My Horrid Parent

I HAD a horrible/narcissistic father who was physically and emotionally abusive.  As I grew up and became strong and independent he wrote me a letter saying he had no more love left for me in his heart.  I had competed in the Miss USA pageant and was on my way to finishing my degree in Architecture.  Not a bad kid by any stretch.  That was 25 years ago.  I'm 52 now, with 2 awesome kids that are his only grandchildren that he's never met.   Until I had my children did I then only realize the love you have for your child is limitless, you don't only have so much to give and then I realized I wasn't the problem, there wasn't anything wrong with me.  I saw a picture of him recently and see he is getting quite old.  I always had the desire to show up at his house and tell him what I think of him and what all he did to me but I know he wouldn't feel anything.  I feel like after all of this time I need closure on him/this and don't know how to do it without confronting him which could possibly hurt me more.  Even tho I'm 52, I pretty much look exactly like I did when I was young, same hair, same everything, and I saw him and his wife in a restaurant one day and he looked right at me when he walked by my table and it was if he looked right through me.  He didn't even know who I was.  I'm nothing to him.   I worry that he will die and I will still have all of these horrible feelings in me.  How do I put closure to him?

Hi Sarah and thanks for your question. I am sorry to hear that you have been having such a difficult time with both of your parents. Well done for getting some counselling for yourself and learning some new strategies to help manage your mother. It may be that her Facebook behaviour was a result of your being able to manage her differently as you suggest. In any case be strong and use the new skills you have to help keep her at a distance. She may try to rattle your cage but try not to react yourself. Take a deep breath and continue to live the life you want. Good luck, Alyson

Hi,

I just got here, posted over in the wedding section.  I'm Tempest, not my real name, and my parents were/are terrible.

It was clear to me as young as five years old that my mother hated me.  She called me names, hit me, punished me, told me I was worthless and would never have any friends... and so much more. School was a nightmare and a blessing. My own nature was a nightmare and a blessing.  I always felt she was wrong, that she was the one who was awful not me, and I was not afraid to talk and talk and talk about what she did to me.  She was actually forced to alter her behavior to some degree because of how freely I spoke. She and my father were incensed that I was "telling private family business" to people but I was stubborn and I guess I had a hidden well of strength because I never stopped talking.

My mother adjusted her tactics away from physical abuse, my father too, at least for a while. I think I was about 16 the last time one of them abused one of my sisters or myself physically.  I called the police that time, they had been attacking both my sisters, my middle sister, 12, had started having an asthma attack and dived under her bad to get away, my father, trying to strike her, had hit his arm on the wall and his watch had badly cut him. When the police arrived my parents were leaving for the ER and the police believed them when they lied and said we'd been upset and confused when our father got injured. My sister crawled out from under the bed and I helped her find her inhaler. Then I heard my other sister, 10, sobbing and turned to find her trying to clean blood out of the carpet. But my parents never had the guts to push their luck once they realized we could and would call for help like that. My mother kicked my father out, pretending he was the problem, and turned to severe manipulation.

She was remarkably successful at dividing and conquering us.  She'd laid so much groundwork for so long, playing favorites, choosing scapegoats, etc., we were easy pickings.  She kept us all almost estranged from one another for YEARS. You would not believe the things she got away with and the things she nearly got away with.  If she were more intelligent I shudder to think what evil she would have managed. Fortunately she is not terribly bright. 

That's enough for an intro I guess. I'm a grown up with mostly grown kids and a happy marriage now. I did ok. She still drives me around the bend but I'm learning to cut her out of my life as much as possible.
 

Dear Mitchell, thank you very much for your kind reply. I will read up on the conditions and check out these sites. Thank you very much!

Hello, new here! Just joined. Just sharing my story, hoping anyone with similar experiences or has some knowledge on these matters can be so kind to offer some advice. Thank you

To begin, this sets the context: my parents have a strained relationship. They stopped talking to each other when I was 6. We all (my parents, bro and me) still live together, but my brother and I are the messengers between them.

About my mother: she cooks for me everyday. When I was in elementary sch, she would pack lunch, bring it into the school and eat with me everyday. She does the whole family's chores everyday. Looks after me when I am ill. Buys stuff I like for me. Does love me and care for me. Her world practically surrounds my brother and I. She does a lot for us, more than some other parents, if I might say so.

Despite these, I have a love-hate relationship with her. Growing up, she has a terrible temper. She would get angry over the smallest thing. I believed many of her actions towards me could be considered abuse, both physical and emotional. She often takes her anger out on me and would punch, slap or kick me while scolding me. Often, I got scolded or badly treated for things that aren't my fault or aren't wrong. She was irrational. She would often rationalise her anger in illogical ways. Almost everyday, she would curse our family, curse my father. She would often shout things like "since your father and his family (my paternal grandma, etc) makes me miserable, I am going to make you two (my brother and I) suffer." Sometimes, when I chat with my dad happily, my mom would glare at me in anger and hatred, and then I would have to stop talking to him. At times, my mom would threaten to kill herself. She would also threaten to burn down the house if my bro or me ever visit our paternal grandma. She would also use silent treatment on us.

When I confronted her about her actions years later, she would excuse herself on accounts of having been depressed (she claims to be. Was never officially diagnosed. But I wouldn't be surprised if she really had depression back then) and on accounts of being angry. She would say she was going through a lot, having to do chores while having a strained relationship with my dad (she blames my dad for the state of the relationship. Refuses to acknowledge her own responsibility), so she was angry often. She never actually used words such as "it wasn't my fault", but the way she said it, she was excusing herself. I find this ridiculous. She hardly apologizes for what she's done wrong. She would also, in defense, list the things she's done for us.

She is also a over-protective mother. I live in a relatively safe society, but was never allowed to take the train home with my friends or hang out with my friends. One of the first times she let me go out with them (I was 15), she went with me all the way to the place we are meeting and only left when my friends got there. I am 23 and I still have a curfew (note: in my country, it is quite common for adult children to live with parents until marriage). She often tried to dictate what I can or cannot do. She doesn't show support for things I like if she doesn't also like them. For e.g. In my teen years, I was a fan of some boy band. She would spit negative remarks about them without at least trying to find out more and would proclaim her favourite singer the best.

Nowadays, she doesn't hit me anymore. Maybe because I am older, stronger. She also gets angry less often. We would go out together and actually enjoy the time out together. But this is not to say that her emotional outbursts don't happen. It still does, just a lot less frequent. She also scolds us less over irrational reasons. But we are still living every almost moment watching her mood. When mood is good, things are great, but can turn sour very quickly. With just one wrong word, one wrong phrase or one wrong expression. Also, sometimes she would be upset (maybe not even because of us), and we would be able to tell from her expression. (Or sometimes she would be muttering under her breath - loud enough for us to hear sounds but not catch the words - not sure intentionally or not). When we ask her what's wrong, she wouldn't say or will reply in grunts. She will make life hard for us too. It's almost as if we are supposed to coax her.

These days, I find that her emotional reliance on my bro and I increased, esp on me. Growing up, she has always been relying on my brother and I for emotional support (yet also pushing us away or turning against us when she's angry). She often talked to us about her misery, her relationship with our father, how our father has done her wrong, her our father's family did her wrong, her much she is in pain in the family. Things which I highly doubt should ever have been spoken of in front of her young children. As she ages, I find that she has become more clingy. She likes to follow along when I am going out. Once, she shrieked angrily at me through the phone when she found out I having dinner alone outside, "why didnt you tell me you're eating alone?! I am also eating alone!!" (her tone of voice implied that I should be eating with her). She has absolutely no friend. There's an unspoken rule that I have to inform her everytime I want to go out. I also cannot go out spontaneously. She would ask a lot of questions: "where are you going? who are you meeting? are you meeting so-and-so? how are you getting to the place? what time are you meeting?" I often find it hard to answer because: firstly, I don't want to let every aspect of my life be exposed to her (I already share a room with her at home), and secondly, I know some things I do/some places I go aren't approved by her. On days that we both have somewhere to go, she would often wait to me to leave the house before leaving the house or delay her plans so that she leave can at the same time as me (yet when we get on the same bus or place, she would do this strange behaviour of avoiding me so that other ppl wont think we know each other, bcos she claims that I would think of her as an embarrassment. I would have to coax her and forcibly tag myself alongside her as she quickens her pace to walk in front of me and pretend not to know me - honestly I get so frustrated when she does this that sometimes, I feel like kneeling to the ground in public and beg her to not make my already-stressful life difficult). She would also often offer to drive me and even if I nicely decline a few times (often more than 5-10 times), she would still keep on pressing and asking, "do you want me to drive you? Shall I drive you there? Let me drive you." If I get angry for her insistence, she would say I am ungrateful. I can't tell if she's really just being nice and I am a rude daughter, or is she subconsciously clinging on to me?

I find it hard to understand what kind of mother she is. On one hand, I can't deny that she loves me. On the other, I find it hard to say she's been a very good mother and I am really angry at her for much of what that she's done. Looking at her now, I also can't tell if things like pretentiously avoiding me or offering to drive me are coming from good intentions, or she's being manipulative (subconsciously??). Or is she narcissistic? Maybe, but also not quite. Neglectful? Probably not, since she has always been quite involved in my life (often a little too much). Often times, I think of the terms "immature" and "selfish". But idk. It's love-hate, I feel.


With my father, I feel quite troubled as well. I always get angry at him, over the smallest of things sometimes. I have been trying to get my anger under control lately, but I still don't understand why I can't be more understanding towards him. It's almost like I am abusing him. (Maybe here I am using "almost" because I am just trying to deny my wrongful behaviour...idk...).

In the midst of all the chaos over the years, my dad always kept silent. He rarely ever argues back at my mom. He just lets her go about throwing her tantrum, taking her anger out on us. On the rare occasions that he does retorts her, it is always when he gets sick of her screaming and shouting. I don't ever recall him shouting back at her in order to protect my brother or me. I don't know if I am like this with my father because I am subconsciously angry at him? Perhaps I blame him? Much of the anger and hatred my mom had towards us were because of him, in my opinion. Since he would be away at work for most part of the day, I felt like my brother and I have been the ones bearing most of the brunt over the years. Perhaps I am angry because it doesn't feel fair? Although I know my dad feels apologetic, he has hardly acknowledged the difficulties my brother and I have been through over the years. I wonder if he even knows.

I know this is a really long post. I can be longwinded, I am sorry. It's just, I am trying to provide as much context as possible and this is the first time I ever posted such info about my family online. I am hoping to find some advice, and hopefully support, through this platform, if one may so kindly offer them. With all that's said about my parents, I am not a perfect human either. If there are things I am doing wrong, or views that I shouldn't hold, I hope someone would kindly let me know because I want to be a better person. Thank you...