My Horrid Parent

É horrível perceber que eu me sinto não amada nem pelo meu pai nem pela minha mae, e que eles me afetam demais. E quanto ao humor de cada um, meu pai alcoólatra só fica amoroso comigo e com meu irmão na base do álcool, em outras vezes grita, não fala como uma pessoa educada. Minha mãe quase sempre uma cara de quem comeu e não gostou, tipo fazendo caretas. É complexo se comunicar com pais assim sem saber seu humor exato.

I am going to share parents behavior cause not so sure what should I react.

I have a dad almost 70 years old,  he is unhappy about everything.

He always says I am cheap ,that's why I got layoffs, it was not because I study in bad school.

I don't have money go home, then he said :that's why your life can not stable.

When I have job in Europe , he was very mad about it.
So he said I have very terrible connection ,that's why I can not work in home town.

Then I said :when you worked for government, you didn't have good connection too,otherwise we already become wealth family.

One day, my dad asked me what you plan to do in other nation, I said :
I don't want to tell you ,you always unhappy about everything.
Then he is unhappy.

One day, he wanna buy laptop, but that computer socks, then he is not satisfied I signed the paper.

One day, he said my clothes can not wash with his clothes together inside the laundry machine, so I have to move his clothes out from luandry machine first, then I washed my clothes, then he was unhappy again

One day,  I texted him and said I will arrive there at 8 ,then he asked me to took bus with big luggage  to arrive his house  instead picking me up

Then he was unhappy and complian I didn't text early <I texted him like 3 hours ago >

I really think he is sick or something, hope I know how to deal with this parents.

Sometimes I guess, they never suffer terrible children who damage their physical body, that's why they always wish children live in bad shape.

Maybe this kind parents will kill me one day.

Hello,
thanks for creating this resource!
When I was a kid I had a good relationship with my father. Im now in my mid thirties and the last 5-6 years were difficult.
I was living abroad for 6 years and returned to my home country a year ago. In the years I was away, my mother would call me almost every day to chat but my father would very rarely pick up the phone. He would get the info from my mother but we didn't speak for months. When I mentioned this, he didnt change and once mentioned he didn't want to talk to me. It was a a difficult time for me and he definitely was not there to support me.
I think the first disagreement was about politics. He is very conservative and was not ready to accept I had different opinions. In some of my visits when i came home for Christmas or holidays, he started what looked like an innocent conversation but as soon as I disagreed he would say i was belittling him and disrespecting him and shouted at me and oftentimes ended the conversation by asking me to leave the house, because this is his house and he says what he wants in his house.
When I told him we were planning a small wedding and not inviting his siblings (whom I barely know), he said I was not going to do that to him and he said he would not attend nor allow my mother or grandmother to attend. He told me horrible things on the phone and a few days later somehow apologised. I anyway celebrated a normal wedding and invited his siblings.
I had the last unpleasant conversation with him a few hours ago. I reminded both my parents I bought a smartbox for them last year and that they could use it this summer (it's a two night stay with breakfast and one dinner). My father said he doesn't like this kind of presents because they force him to travel to specific places and spend money. He also criticised I had not given him the booklet but just an email with the code to register and get a pdf and that he could tell i had not put a lot of effort on that present. My mother said she appreciated the present but he kept criticising it and I told him it was not nice to criticise a present. I told him it was bad taste and he had done the same with a laptop I gave them one year for Christmas. He said that laptop was very bad quality and forced him to spend a lot of money on repairs and said he didn't ask for any laptop. I told him it was a good laptop and he simply got a not so great one and that if he didnt like it he could just sell it or discard it and buy a new one. He insisted these were not good presents and he had not asked for them and he said I was just holding the presents against him and said I could stick them up my ass. He also mentioned he had paid many things for me. At some point he started shouting at me 10 cm from my face things like I should shut up my big mouth repeatedly. I then decided to stay silent and when he finished I went to pack my things to return home.
When he saw me with the suitcase he said if I left the house i would not be able to come back. I said I was not angry at him but I thought it was better to leave because it was a very uncomfortable situation and I think we both needed some fresh air. My mother tried to help all this time but he won't stop. He said things like both me and my sisters were great disappointments for him and that I was exactly like my sister and that if I was so comfortable in my own place I should not come back. He also said the last few years I had generated all these situations and asked if I had something against him. My mother replied and said I dont have anything against him.
I left and drove back home since I can now easily return to my own place (no longer living in a different country). I think I somehow should not tolerate aggressive behaviour towards me. I cant imagine living this in front of my husband (who was not there with me this time) or the kids I plan to have.
My sister was always very difficult and she has been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. We are very different but he always puts me in the same group when we have a fight.
How should i deal with my father? I oftentimes feel sorry about my mother, who has to deal with him all the time. He is not aggressive to her but he became very dominant in the last decades and likes to control every little aspect of the house since he retired. On the other hand, my father is very hard working, proactive and ready to do new projects and share household tasks or care for my very old grandmother.
Thank you in advance

Hi Everyone
This is such a refreshing site I have ever seen.
I’m a BBC British Born Chinese. Parents from HK. Father came across the UK by boat aged 16. Married my mother in HK. Brought her over. Had 2 children me and my younger brother. Mother took us both to HK for grandparents to bring up as toddlers while parents set up a takeaway business. So for 3 years in HK there was no parent/child bonding.
When mother brought us back I was aged 4. I did not want to know my dad and my mother had another child. I went to school with no word of English.
Whilst parents were working downstairs in the takeaway I was parent to both my brothers. Hence I’ve become maternal and I’m now a support worker as I have so much empath with people.
My dad died 25 years ago. My mother depended on my dad. So since then my relationship with my mother has always been very strained. She has no emotions towards me. And as the older and only daughter it felt like I’m a mother to her. She uses me as her mother. I’ve had a difficult life. Married at 20, had a child at 21 (who I have a strong relationship with my eldest) divorced at 25. Married again at 30. Second child at 35. Now 57 going through a divorce from a narcissist having only found out this nearly two years. I knew something was not right but did not know what it was. He has no empathy and I gave him my all. Finally found the courage to break. But it has been mentally exhausting, draining with my emotions.
So as well as going through my own personal emotions my mother can be so demanding and frustrating. Just the other day I told her how stressful my divorce is while I was driving and I was selling up with tears. She said NOTHING!!

Hello to everyone I’m new to this!
I have always been reluctant to talk about my feelings in case it all comes tumbling down.
The thing is though even when you don’t talk,  these feelings are still there but tucked up and whirling round your brain, with no where to go.
I have 2 emotionally neglectful divorced parents. My mother presents like she has a BPD.
 I think I only realised when I took a step back in my twentys and wasn’t in the same house as my mother. Now 49 I understand how damaging they were and still are as individuals.
It’s definitely a working progress and I’m not sure if you can ever feel done with the feelings and what it does to you and aspects of your life, but I’m learning to have coping strategies.
I’ve found this book Karen C.L. Anderson
Difficult Mothers, Adult Daughters: A Guide For Separation, Liberation & inspiration.
This has helped a great deal. I put this on audiobook and listen while I’m dog walking. When my head is struggling this just calms it down, sets me on the right way of thinking,  especially if I’ve just seen my mother.