My Horrid Parent

Hello, thank you for the welcome. Thought I would start at the end of my journey. My horrid mother died about five years ago. Her death left me completely unmoved. I feel very little about her demise. I can remember being ten years old and realising that when she died I would not cry at her funeral. Well, I didn’t even go.  I’ve been in various online groups and a lot of people are interested to know whether or not she left me in her Will. She did not make a Will and so her estate was divided equally between me and my two older estranged siblings. I believe she did this out of loyalty to my dear father who died way back in the 1980’s. My brother and sister were extremely annoyed about this, of course. That’s why the story still drags on a little. Their resentment flares up now and then. But as a fully mature adult I can finally, see them very clearly for what they are. 

The other end of my story - the beginning, is dark. That’s where my grown up mind still struggles.

I found your site and it gave me much comfort that I am not alone.  My
 mother and I have been estranged for 8 years and have seen each other
 one time in last six years at my brothers wedding.  My father passed
 away when I was 13 ( I am now 48) .  I am married and have two kids
 (Age 12 and 10).  My mother has a narcissistic approach to life and
 for years swore at my wife, belittled me, would not respect boundaries
 and was never able to be pleased or satisfied.  8 years ago after
 being given a third chance with her grandkids, she swore in front of
 my wife in my son's room (in front of neighbors) and had to be
 physically escorted out by me.  She screamed I had assaulted her.  I
 knew then that our relationship was over for good.  Fast forward to my
 daughter's bat mitzvah this past weekend.  We had heard that she hired
 a private investigator to find out the date/location.  We hired
 security with the synagogue.  A friend was on the plane with her so we
 went to the airport to beg her not to ruin her granddaughters big day.
 She refused.  She showed up at the synagogue the next day. She was
 refused entry.  She then proceeded to picket the synagogue to
 humiliate us--by holding a sign "I am X's grandmother and I am not
 allowed in".  Everyone who was present saw her or who left.  It was
 shocking and horrific.  I am speechless that someone would do such a
 thing.  I saw on your sight similar stories.  It made me feel less
 alone.

This is my first post here. I'm not sure I should do this here or not. I gotta say,  I'm both glad and disgusted that this site exists. The fact that it needs to exist at all is what bothers me.
The fact of having parents that bring you into this world for whatever personal reasons, and not really take that job seriously.
My name is Steve, and I've lived a painful life. My Dad was an alcoholic and an abuser to my Mother, would then turned around at continued the abuse towards her 3 sons. I'm the middle kid. My mom is a Jehovah's Witness and shoved that down our throats as kids. Everything had to go as she said or she'd start physically abusing us.  We had no way out of the situation and no one to turn to. Me and my Older Brother got the brunt of it though. If we were going to be late, she'd get violent, if we talked back.....even if warranted she'd get violent. I was especially targeted as I'd never really believed in what she did, and I'd constantly call it out when something didn't make sense, to which I'd get a slap across the face and told not to talk back. This happened so much that I tried to kill myself at the age of 12. I told my mom and she just laughed at me.

Growing up, it was more like we were extensions of my Mother and not the growing individuals that we were. She'd be worried more about her image in the congregation then the ridicule we would receive from school for being "Jo-hoes". My mother would constantly let me know how disappointed she was of me. One time I tried to let her know how she made me feel and that she was always negative towards me and said "You never actually encourage me to be better", to which she responded, "What's there to encourage?"  I was just awestruck, and reply "Exactly my point" and she repeated it like I was making her point, that there was nothing good to encourage about me. She would always tell me that I'm just going to be a janitor for the rest of my life and that I'm going to live with her in her basement. This was at 18.

When I was 14 my older brother **** me. Full penetration, all while he was laughing as he did it. I couldn't turn to anyone, cause it just so happened that HE was touched by an Older brother, stealing any chance of me being able to talk about it without coming off as me making stuff up for attention. That was a common theme in my house. I was always told I was making things up. My mom would constantly say things like "You're going to end up just like your father"  when I got a 69 on my math test or That I'm going to be just like your brother when I skipped school cause I was so overwhelmed with what was happening to me and no outlet to speak of.
What I did to cope was Books, Video Games, Movies, music, Philosophy, Mysticism, anything to help take me out of my headspace. I didn't even realize that's why I was doing it at the time, but I do know now as O suffer from severe depression and anxiety, and those outlets no longer help.

It's hard for me, still, to think about my needs other than feeling selfish for some reason. Especially when I don't even know what I need at this point. I'm 34 now, and my life has derailed to the point where I don't know up from down anymore. I moved to the other side of the country to get away from there. If I was encouraged of anything growing up, it was to keep quiet and shut up. Don't make a fuss. And now as an adult, I'm lost on what "self-care" actually means for me.......let alone, what it means generally. All I know is that I want to get better....... that I want to BE better. I know it is in me, I know that because I've had glimpses of it. Just enough to make me think I'm crazy, or have delusions of grandeur. My mother's voice is still in my head, and I can't stop it. It's hard for me to hear my voice in my head over the noise of other voices. I just can seem to calm my mind, or at least do something that has some positive effect. I can feel my spirit slipping and I'm getting to the point of giving up......but I'm a fighter. And I'll keep fighting even if it scares me.....or probably kill me.

It's really hard to have no one in your life that has a positive influence on your life. Like a real friend and confidante. I have a friend that is kind of like that, although for guys.....being emotional is rather uncomfortable. I don't like it cause I don't understand them. Sure, I think they are necessary but for me, my emotion up to a point has been in check.....or maybe that's why because I buried it all and now it's just like a pot boiling over. I'm at a point in my life, and maybe that due to my illness that I don't have any motivation to help ME. I don't know what to do, other than what I'm doing, which is going to the doctor.....take meds......rinse and repeat. Still, though, I feel like I'm just one bad day away from doing something awful to myself and that scares the **** outta me.....which is probably a good thing. I'm always worried for those bad stars to align in my mind that will give me the push I need to follow through and yet I still stand.....so that's what counts right?

Honestly, I could write a book about my experiences but, I'm not going to do that here. I feel like this is overly long anyway. So I'll leave it there. Thanks to all that read my story and if it helps in some way, thats great.

Hi, new to these forums and slightly concerned in case my family get to see my posts somehow.

The issue is a hysterical and psychologically abusive mother who refuses to accept any responsibility. A few years ago, I disclosed that the son of a neighbour **** me at the age  of 15.  My mother responded by telling me yo go to hell and saying she wished she'd drowned me at birth. We cut off contact for about 4 years, then she got back in touch and we met and I nearly went mad from the feelings of being psychologically tormented by her.  Eventually, I cut off contact with her again and she turned nasty and sent menacing emails in full CAPs saying I was a curse on the family, etc, etc. Recently, she contacted me again, acting as if nothing had happened, and it's left me agitated and distressed. I just want her to leave me alone, but friends are putting pressure on me to be reconciled, even though they know she's abusive.

 It is exhausting and has led to some health issues for me. I am currently no contact with my mom and dad even though they keep sending me emails and a phone call or two to guilt me into getting back to them. I am exhausted from the guilt.  I realize that the manipulation is happening to make me respond and they will not respond but I’ve got to get rid of the guilt. It’s helpful to know that other people are experiencing this too. I feel like I’m a good person otherwise but feel like a bad person when it comes to my parents. I’m sure people wouldn’t understand who are experiencing something like this.