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51
My Difficult Parent / Re: Welcome to our forum
« Last post by ErinS on January 27, 2020, 07:17:08 pm »
I've been looking for something like this because I thought it would be comforting (it is) and because talking to most people about familial isolation and abuse is a difficult, unwelcome topic. So much of what I've read here has resonated with me, so many of the affects of how bad parenting shows up later in life also seem very familiar (I am hyper sensitive, I don't trust people, I do have issues forming relationships, etc.) Please excuse the length on this, but it's something I've been thinking about a lot lately and trying to work through, and this seems like the right place to lay it out.

My parents grew up in a small town and got married when they were 18. While both are outwardly pleasant, nice people an don't openly advertise their sexism, my father has made it clear women should be thin, attractive, agreeable and projected onto. He talks over my mother, he interrupts constantly, our conversations are strictly him lecturing me, he's never asked me a question in my entire life and he's indicated many, many times that he thinks women are gold diggers. My mother, for her part, is not exactly a feminist: her favorite and only subject is weight loss, she loves money, her capacity for depth is limited. She is not someone that can write anything meaningful in a card or deal with any hard emotions. Outward popularity is the most important thing to her, for herself and certainly for me- my most important measure to her being who I'm dating, how much he's worth and if I'm popular.

All of this has been weird and hard in its own right (and has been much worse since I went to college, started my own business, made my own money, etc. - basically any time I had thoughts of my own), but it's made doubly hard by the fact that my brothers do have good parents. I assume because boys tend to emotionally require less, they've been easier for my parents to have a relationship with. Both my brothers have also produced grandkids and daughter in laws, which is important, because my mother hates her own mother in law and has spent her life trying to settle that score with her own daughter in laws.

Anyway, my relationship with my parents has had its ups and downs, but has been solidly down for the past 6-7 years. My parents hate me. They invite my brothers to things and leave me out. They come to my city and don't tell me when they are in town. They avoid my birthday. The lie to me. They always tell me I'm touchy- but never ever want to figure out why or how the situation could be improved.

I've recently learned that they have made me the person that decides what will happen to them medically if they are incapacitated, and I really resent this. I resent this because I'm the child they like the least, are the least close to, trust the least, etc. It honestly boggles my mind as to why they would give me this responsibility and I don't want it.

Finally, I'm one year sober and I'm really worried the stress of my relationship with them will trigger drinking again. I'm desperately trying ways to feel better to avoid that.
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Inconsistent Horrid Parents / Re: Is your horrid parent inconsistent?
« Last post by ErinS on January 27, 2020, 06:57:56 pm »
I used to think that the kind behavior was a nice thing, but I don't see it that way any more. It feels doubly cruel to never know if I am going to have a nice interaction or be put down/ignored/disapproved of in some way. It's also galling to see how my parents present themselves publicly and to my siblings, given that it is so different than how they treat me. This has been very, very painful for a long time, so it's nice to have found this forum.
53
Guilt / Re: Guilt
« Last post by sa.fascina on December 29, 2019, 11:50:30 am »
I also had a very bad and problematic life with my mother. I am sorry if my english is not that perfect, Im Italian!
Everything started when I was a baby, and she could not breastfeed me because she had no milk, she used to leave me in dark rooms to protect me, people of my familiy could not visit me. The problm in my adult life started when she started trying overpowering over my life, deciding when and what I could do, disturbing my relationships with friends and guys, I was 17 years old. She used to say that all my friends were bad influences, that I had no hobby, that I should go to therapy, in the school was the hell for me... She was always telling me that she would pay me school anymore because I didnt apreciate anything she did. I never got drugs, i never decided for a misscarriage, also never got pregnant, I never was a girl with a log of guys, big part of my life i stayed in relationships. I left home after 23 years old, i moved to another city, after 5 years of mutual violence. We couldnt simply talk to each other, was always episodes with bursted ends, marks and an enormous psicologic pain. After 23 yeras old i decided to leave this house that for me was a representation of pain and this woman that made me suffer so much... she was racistic, used to say that she doesnt like black people and the all that I did was a ´´black service´´, i feel sorry for her. She also used to say that I was stupid, incapable, ugly, that I should wear braces and trate my skin when I got acne. When I was young, she used to say that i couldnt lay down with her in bed because I was dirty, and she put a mat over the floor, then we could watch dvds together, in the same room.
After I lost my job, i asked if i could live once again with ther until I find another job, she accept for one week, after that, she changed her locker and putted all my things out of the door. She left many times with no food, no money, and she used to lock her food in her room, one time i got a slice of mortadela and she got angray that I could not eat her food, she counted the slices.
After many years, i decided moved to another country, and one day ago, I decided to cut definitely contact after so much pain and lack of respect in emails and etc.. since 4 years i dont see her and in this years our comunications via whatsapp was an horror.

After many years of guilt and problematic relacionthiip, i decided to visited the country where we lived most our lives, Brazil, and she made my life a hell when I said I was going there.

Such emails because i didnt reply an email after 24 hours ( because I have a life)

You do not give news.
Does not communicate.
Send telegram from my address. Hide your address.
It's killing me with grief, despair. I'm here alone, with no one to ask for help.
Not knowing what's going on around.
It is very disrespectful.
It will kill me from the heart of anguish, of worry.
I can't register your number.
Don't worry about knowing what's going on here.
I have no health to deal with it anymore.
He says my phone doesn't answer, but he doesn't answer anything.
I will die of anguish.
There is no return.

And there another one!

Wow ..... one person spoils another's trip by asking for news ????? But .... Just for that ????? Weird huh.
I have health problems here, you as always, do not even remember you have a mother. Remember when you need something.
Remember for interest only.
Patience. Tomorrow is another day.
Raise your head to look to the side.
Your selfishness is 100%.
Your lack of empathy is 100%.
If you were in need of something, the treatment would be quite different. Then you put yourself in pride. I can't enter your number through watzap. I need help, not a sermon. Put yourself in your place. Respect the elders. I'm not your rag you dust off.
You played pretty at my expense, now you get into that ridiculous role. Beware of your attitudes and words, as life charges.
Good trip.


She feels pride of herself because she did me small financial favours when I needed and acoording her, i only need her for interest. She never bought me a house, she never payed my studies, she never bought me a car, she did little things and I had to hear my whole life the same thing.
In fact, there were many other moments that I needed mental support, and most of my life, she was never there!
She stayed in a abusive, violent relationship, and when I asked herm why, ( I was 10 years old), she then, sayed I was jealous of her boyfriend!

I decided to stop the contact for real, and for my mental health, also with my whole family, once those people, i also have no contact at all.

I need help to go further and this this forum can helps how to go ahead!
I have no father, she died when I was 10!

Nowadays I am 34


Samantha aus Germany!
54
My Difficult Parent / Re: Welcome to our forum
« Last post by Seahorse on December 13, 2019, 01:15:31 am »
I have been the black sheep all my life. My parents and sibling being insensitive and also bullies. I used to be hit as a child and verbal abuse. As an adult verbal abuse from all three.. Mental illness, re my dad ocd and both parents deeply narcissistic and cruel.. I just had my fourth major operation was told re phone by my mum when I told her some of my symptoms and that I'm. Really unwell to get up off my arse and go out walks. And that I have no friends and that I'm negative when all I was doing was explaining my health still bad. hurting on strong pain meds and really poorly hurts to bend down walking around hurts and she verbally attacked me I'm this and this and this and she would be doing this and this and this and she went for the throat to attack me and then makes out I'm upsetting her and that I don't bother re her everything goes back to her. They are not nice people at all insensitive, treat me like **** in their shoe. I was sooo distressed she should kick Me when I'm. Already down and on my own dealing with very bad health in pain isolated . I don't lean on them at all so it's not like I'm asking for support just mentioned a few of the things I'm dealing with post op. That was enough for her to attack, criticise, belittle, blame and bring it all natcisstically back to her. I was so distressed all night. As I'm already physically unwell and emotionally not very well being sick. Kicking me when I'm unwell after major op is just  new low. She told me before op.. What are you scared of dying? If you die you die she said. Then she said she has a better quality of life than me anyway... I didn't expect much but when poorly the verbal abuse is too much. 😢
55
My Difficult Parent / Re: Welcome to our forum
« Last post by Blue91 on December 09, 2019, 03:07:29 am »
I don't know where to begin..... I feel guilty even joining something like this. But I need to let someone know my story before i burst. My mom and dad met and had me. She left him because of his drinking. He is a full blown alcoholic. I don't really know him. He usually comes out to visit every three or four years. My mother moved two states away to be closer to her parents. She met my brothers dad. He was very abusive towards my mother. I remember him holding a knife to my mom's throat and asking my baby brother and I if he should kill her and laughing. I remember him throwing her on top of our car and beating the crap out of her in front of us. when we left we ended up in a women's shelter and he stalked her and the shelter. Then after several years she met my step dad. He was an amazing person. He was a great father,husband and provider. Things were really good. He was a truck driver one night in East St.louis his appendix exploded. Someone found him and called 911. He was rushed to the hospital and given a 10% chance to live.  My mom rushed down there to be with him. Meanwhile my brother and I were left with my grandparents. At this time my mom's dad started to sexually abuse me. It was multiple times. I was told not to tell. I was told he thought I wanted it. I was too afraid to say anything for.years and years. Finally 2 and a half years after I had my daughter I ended up having a nervous breakdown and it all ended up coming out.  Then 2 years later my stepdad went to the doctor When my brother and I got home from school. We were told he had stage 4 esphogial cancer. They couldn't save him. My mother always said he was the love of her life because but she was dating some guy less than a year later. I lost it. We fought everyday between the abuse  and losing my stepdad. One night she smacked me and drug me by my hair in the kitchen and told me something like "you make me want to kill myself." This had never happened to me before. We were really strained.. then I  got pregnant with my daughter and we got better. Then i got married and left. Then my brother left. Then she got really depressed. Then everything came out about her parents. My grandmother is just as bad as my granddad was. She let her own brother violate my mom starting when she was two and told me that my mom made it all up. She let her husband beat her children. Apparently she knew my grandpa **** one of his sisters and STILL married him. (We recently found this out. He was a detail rapists. My mother doesn't think he **** her but my brother and I think she may have blocked it out.) My mother went completely insane. She has been diagnosed with cptsd,major depression and most recently D.I.D.  however recently she has just gotten worse and worse. she claims medication won't help her. She doesn't want to be around people, but she hates being alone. She posted something on FB about how sucidal she was after Thanksgiving just because my husband made a comment about something ridiculous. She's always telling me how awful men are how my husband is absuive. But the worst thing she has done to me is this summer. I was having my son and I wanted her at the hospital with me because she was there when I had my daughter. Anyway I started to have some complications and had to be taken back for a C-section. An hour after I have my major surgery and get back to my room no one is in there. My friends is the only one there. Then my Inlaws then my mother comes back bawling. " I had to see he was born on Facebook!”  me: well so did everybody else." " What the heck do you want me to do about it?" She stormed out tried to come back later that night making all these exsues. A nurse kicked her out because she raised my blood pressure. She texted and messaged all her friends about how my husband wouldn't let her see the a baby. She posted on FB about  how heartbroken she was. My brother called me defending her, one of her friends messaged me defending her. After that I really don't care about her anymore... but my daughter loves her so much and I still do..I at least want her alive.. so sorry for the long post.
56
My Difficult Parent / Re: Welcome to our forum
« Last post by Watermark23 on November 21, 2019, 03:32:49 pm »
Hello everyone,

I'm 27 and a final year university student. My mother has mental and physical health problems. I believe she has NPD. She has used her illness to manipulate and control me and my dad. He is completely controlled by her. They live hand to mouth. My dad stole my inheritance when I turned 18. I was subject to suicide threats and anger outbursts from a young age.

Now they expect my total obedience and for me to drop everything to care for them. I just phoned my dad after four days and he said "Who is this"? and hung up. Forever punishing me. They never fail to hurt me. They have caused me so many relational problems I can't even begin. So happy to have found this website.
57
Being ignored / Re: Being ignored
« Last post by Watermark23 on November 21, 2019, 03:21:42 pm »
V happy this website exists. I just phoned my parents after four days. My dad answered and said who is this? I replied "Josephine", and he hung up. I feel dreadful now.
58
Inconsistent Horrid Parents / Re: Is your horrid parent inconsistent?
« Last post by steved on November 20, 2019, 10:32:44 am »
Guys, friends and fellow victims, This forum may not be teeming with replies, but i want to reassure you all, YOU ARE NOT ALONE in the first instance, and in the second instance 99.99% of the time it is NOT YOUR FAULT.  It appears there are quite simply a lot of parents with cold hearts and vicious streaks who appear to hate their children for no reason what so ever.   Again my bothers and sisters YOU ARE NOT ALONE.
59
My Difficult Parent / Re: Welcome to our forum
« Last post by steved on November 20, 2019, 10:30:32 am »
Guys, friends and fellow victims, This forum may not be teeming with replies, but i want to reassure you all, YOU ARE NOT ALONE in the first instance, and in the second instance 99.99% of the time it is NOT YOUR FAULT.  It appears there are quite simply a lot of parents with cold hearts and vicious streaks who appear to hate their children for no reason what so ever.   Again my bothers and sisters YOU ARE NOT ALONE.
60
My Difficult Parent / Re: Welcome to our forum
« Last post by Franco45 on October 23, 2019, 11:39:38 am »
First post on this forum…..found out about it via the Guardian and thought it might allow me to let off some steam if nothing else. I’m currently having counselling to help deal with stress and depression but thought it would be good to know if anybody has encountered anything similar.

I’m in my mid 30s and live with my partner and our 1 year old daughter. My parents are in their early 70s and both have suffered with anxiety, stress and depression for many years. My mum is the main issue although I feel my dad enables her behaviour. In the last 12 years or so my mum has taken to becoming a recluse. She has left the house maybe 4/5 times in this period mainly for drs appointments. The only face to face contact she has had other than with a handful of medical people is with me, my Dad and my brother (although he lives 200 miles away so isn’t around that often).

She has a friend who she speaks with on the phone but also takes any excuse to fall out with. Somewhat bizarrely she does the rest of her contact with the outside world via whatsapp, including messaging people regularly she’s never met or hasn’t seen for many years (e.g mine or my brother’s partners/friends & their parents, my old boss (!!!) kids of old friends). She has also tried to keep in touch with my exes or their family despite me letting her know how uncomfortable this makes me. She never seems to grasp how odd this all is an gets upset if people don’t respond as often as she would want.

She takes no care of herself whatsoever. She barely eats and spends a good proportion of most days drinking white wine in bed. Most of her time is spent dwelling on anxieties and past sadness or petty grievances. She has made a few token attempts to address her anxiety and depression but refuses medication based on spurious ‘side effects’ and dismisses counselling and CBT as ‘people wanting to know your business’. She won’t seek help for other complaints (not seen a dentist or optician for over a decade and wears a pair of my old glasses) citing bad experiences from her childhood. Despite all this she will burden me with complaints on all of this daily but refuses to take help or advice. They live in a big old house that is falling to bits and is starting to resemble the set of Steptoe and son. Again, though they never take help offered or do anything to resolve just complain constantly about how down it gets them. Its almost as if she is addicted to misery and the excuse to cut herself off from the world. Any suggestions of positive change are met with condescension or a demand to change of subject (often with the phone being slammed down). Essentially this is the way it is and its never going to change. Where is my Dad in all this? He just seems to offer blind loyalty and doing everything for her.

That’s the scenario anyway. Its come to a head in the past few weeks though. Our daughter was born a year ago and my mum has seen her just once in that time. My dad has seen her plenty either at my house or when we’ve been out and about but probs not as often as either I or he would like.  My partner has said she finds the idea of me taking baby round for visits uncomfortable, she has never met my mum and, in all likelihood, never will. I’ve taken the decision to respect my partners wishes, we also think in the long run it will only be confusing for our daughter and we are doing what we can to protect her. We’ve both said things don’t have to change dramatically, just for my partner to be able to go round there.

My mum doesn’t see it this way though. She sees it as my partner getting her own way and that it would be no different to me taking baby out to the shops on my own. Things got nasty between my partner and my parents last year over the naming of our daughter and that is clearly unresolved (they were texting her the night before we were due to register baby questioning why she wasn’t having my family surname, something we had talked about on numerous occasions then refused to apologize claiming they were just ‘interested’ and suggesting anything otherwise was ‘the most hurt shes ever been’).

We used the fact my partner was breastfeeding as an excuse but now she isn’t I have had to confront the situation. I text my mum a few months ago explaining how we felt (in the nicest and most positive way possible) and they just pretended nothing had happened. Instead the line they’ve taken now is demonising my partners parents and becoming angry at the time they spend with our baby. My partners mum has recently had breast cancer as my mum keeps questioning if she is as ill as she claims to be, and also questioning why her husband (partners step dad) is involved. She found out baby stopped at their house for the first time this weekend and she went mental. This all comes either in the form of pissed up late night messages or what gets back to me from my brother who she frequently complains about me to.

Anyway, the whole thing is really affecting my mental health. I feel guilty all the time and I’m constantly on edge trying my best to overcompensate and keep her and everyone else happy. I know my first priority is my daughter but its hard to block out everything else. I don’t want to abandon my parents but I don’t really know what else I can do. I’ve had years of my mum’s constant anxiety, her  strange, unpredictable behaviour, drinking and slow isolation from the world and I really can’t take any more of it.
If you’ve made it this far thanks and well done. 😊
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