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My Difficult Parent / Re: Welcome to our forum
« Last post by Blossom on March 01, 2020, 07:58:01 pm »
Hello Sid

Sorry for the late reply. Your mother sounds awful :(

How have you coped with the abuse that you have suffered from your mother?
Have you had counselling to deal with the emotional and physical abuse? Your mother sounds like a very controlling person. It seems that your mother used you to vent her anger anf frustration. What you have to realise it that she has the problem not you ok.

Take care of yourself 🙂

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My Difficult Parent / Re: Welcome to our forum
« Last post by Sid on February 21, 2020, 08:49:41 am »
Hello. I am 36 and have been dealing with toxic parents all my life.

I was born to a mother who never wanted daughters. She hoped I would be a boy and was very upset when she realized I was a girl. I know this because she still keeps saying this. I grew up in a joint family. My mother was living with her parents and sisters because my father was stationed abroad. I was never allowed to get close to anyone. It was mostly my grandmother and one of my aunts who took care of me. As a child, I was unhealthy and often sick. Anytime I fell sick, my mother wouldn't even come close to me. She found my falling sick an inconvenience and a waste of money. Growing up, I was not allowed to take dance lessons--something which I really wanted to. My mother objected saying it would affect my grades. I was not allowed to mingle with neighbors, relatives, etc. She would keep us away from my father's side of the family too. She would tell me that everyone around is an enemy and that they were all looking to badmouth us. I grew up believing her. She wouldn't let me have friends either. Her rationale was that they would cheat. There was nobody who would offer a balanced perspective. I was never attached to her or my father. Many years later, one of my aunts told me that my mother and grandmother used to poison my ears saying my father didn't like me at all. I remember my mother constantly telling me that her problems with my father started after I was born. To this day, I don't know what she meant or how a baby can create problems between its father and mother! Also, my mother was very abusive. She would hurl curses at me and physically hurt me--all in the name of disciplining me.

When I was 9 years old, we joined our father abroad. I was not comfortable leaving my grandparents. Unfortunately, I wasn't given a choice. All my mother and father seemed to care for was my grades. I used to be brutally punished for even the smallest mistake. Trust me, I used to ace my class. But that was not enough. It was not enough for me to score full marks in a subject; my parents did not want anybody else to get full marks either!!! They badmouthed everyone--my teachers, my classmates and their parents, our neighbors, and relatives. They got along with almost no one. My father was an inconsiderate man. He didn't care one way or the mother. And my mother was a nightmare to be with. Every evening, she would "teach" me.  But mostly, these sessions were nothing more than verbal abuses. She would tell me I wasn't good enough; criticize my looks; call me fat, ugly, and stupid; blame me for all her problems (like losing her hair); and say that their finances didn't improve because I wasn't good enough.

My birthdays were mostly ignored. I would get a packet of chocolates to distribute among classmates (because that was a custom at the school where I studied), but that was all. (In fact, I had my first birthday cake when I was 28!) My mother would lie often. In fact, I haven't heard an ounce of truth from her till now. I was fond of reading, but my mother just wouldn't let me read anything other than textbooks. She would taunt me with storybooks and never give them to me. She would buy beautiful ornaments for me but never let me have them. She would tell my father to coach me in science and math. Unfortunately, I never connected with him. He didn't know the concepts well or I wouldn't understand what he was trying to teach. Very often, I would end up being hit on the head and crying.

I hated my parents then (still do). I never wanted school to end. Both my arms were bruised because of the physical abuse my parents subjected me to. I didn't have anyone to share these things with because I used to think it was all my fault that I was being punished. I contemplated suicide when I was just 13. But I was scared.

We returned to our country when I was 13. I have never felt happier. I thought things would get better, but I was wrong. I will share that next time.
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My Difficult Parent / Re: Welcome to our forum
« Last post by Blossom on February 16, 2020, 11:09:05 pm »
Hello Emotionally abused.

I'm sorry for the late reply as I've been very busy so kept forgetting to log into my account. We have a lot in common. Funny enough I also have cuddly toys in my bedroom which provides a sense of comfort and support  :)

I don't have any pets but would love too. It's not hard really as long as you can love and take care of them according to their needs. I visit an animal sanctuary at least twice a week and I've befriended most of the animals! It is so lovely to see how they are doing...

Going back to my point about narcissistic behaviour I feel these patterns of behaviour are set. We can only change our reactions to our mothers as they will never be able to provide us with the love that we need and crave...

Hello Tribune as you can see from both  mine and emotionally disturbed posts is that we all have a shared sense of not having a loving mother. It's strange that most people who encounter my mother think she's a loving and caring woman but to me the opposite is true.

I don't think your mother is evil although I have shared this sentiment many times. I feel it's more complex as my mother has also manipulated my sister and close uncle to turn against me. This is a classic sign of  a narcissistic and controlling personality. They cannot keep it real at all and are always plotting their next move. The reason why people say she's nice is because the only see one side of her whereas I have been exposed to all her sides (which are in conflict).

I have to admit reading your post again your mother sounds like a nasty peace of work. She obviously has issues and lashes out at you to make her feel better. I know it's easier said than done but you must work on protecting yourself against her vile words. Please realise the problem is with her not you as she has no heart and compassion to say zu h things go you.
Don't allow her to destroy you... Take care of yourself 🌺
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My Difficult Parent / Re: Welcome to our forum
« Last post by tribune on February 06, 2020, 02:40:50 pm »
I just found this site today. My mother is an evil person. She doesn't like me. In fact, she's been this way for a very long time. She's manipulative, lies, divides and conquers my sisters and I, and tries to alienate me from the family. 

I grew up in a household wrought with domestic violence. My mother would often scream my name during these episodes, to save her. She did not remove us from that environment.  But there's something about me that she despises.
She doesn't want me to have a happy relationship.  I got divorced and she gloated and said that all of my friends are happy. This was a lie. I got into another relationship,  and she never liked him. He cheated and had a baby, which I recently found out about,  and she uses that information to curse me, and gloat.
She referred to me as poison. She called my phone and somehow after we hung up, my voicemail recorded her talking badly about how sick she is of my sister and I. However,  my sister that moved away is the one that she reveres.  That sister treats her and us all like disposable napkins.
I wouldn't be surprised if my mother prays to the evil gods for my downfall.
I'm 45, a professional,  self sufficient and own my own homes. I've never asked her for a dollar because she doesn't have it. But she's asked me, which I've loaned and have yet to be repaid.
My father is no better. I feel very isolated and alone. I look at her and she's a stranger. I don't even want to be around her. She tells lies on me, calls me a trouble maker, when in fact she's unhinged because her facade is unraveling.  No stranger could treat me worse than this poor excuse of a mother.

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My Difficult Parent / Re: Welcome to our forum
« Last post by EmotionallyAbusedMN on February 03, 2020, 05:29:40 pm »
It is so reassuring (but also very heartbreaking) to know that I'm not alone in dealing with a difficult mother. My heart breaks for you. 💔

One piece of information that I haven't mentioned in regards to my mother is that she suffers from chronic migraine headaches. While all the stuff I mentioned so far about her lifelong lazy personality and feeling that there was a void in her family after her dad died are definitely at the forefront of her issues, the headaches certainly haven't helped. Apparently the headaches started around the time that my parents got married, when my mom was in her early 30s. So basically I have only known my mom as a migraine sufferer. When I was very young, all she could do was lie in bed or on the couch in misery for days at a time. Effective migraine medications were very limited in the 1990s and 2000s. My mom probably was dealing with a migraine 2 to 3 weeks out of the month and had no remedies. It was depressing to see her like that.

The interesting thing about migraines is that they affect brain chemistry just as much as they affect physical head pain. Mood swings are very much an initial symptom of migraines and can happen days before the pain starts. So it always seemed that my mom's issues were magnified during a migraine episode. Her temper was harsher. Her anger was more intense. Her fuse was shorter. It was extremely scary for me as a young child. It felt very unpredictable and I always had nervous energy in my stomach in anticipation of what her mood might be.

My dad and I always hoped that my mom would overcome the cyclical pattern of her migraines once she hit menopause (there seemed to be a hormonal component), but so far that hasn't seemed to be the case. There has been some improvement, but these days my mom is able to take an effective migraine drug, zolmitriptan, which helps to keep her symptoms under control if she takes it right away. But of course, my mom is stubborn so she often waits to take the medication. By that point, the effectiveness isn't as good. I don't understand why she waits to take it when it clearly helps. Even she admits that it works great, but her lazy, stubborn attitude prevails. This is how I know her issues go way beyond the migraines.

Just yesterday my dad and I were reflecting with my mom about the early days of her migraines and how all she could do was suffer. My dad and I also joked a little bit about how my mom's mood swings were so intense and she chewed my ass out all the time. She was in more of a playful mood last night so we could get away with joking. My mom laughed a little and then said, "I don't think I was that bad!" Either she has no memories of how awful she could be or she just tries to block them from her mind. It is possible that she does feel some remorse, but being in denial is a coping strategy for dealing with the remorse. I just wish I knew the answer for sure.

It is interesting that you say you turn to friends and animals to fill the void of not having the mother you deserve. I can relate to this. Over the years I have latched on to other women who are more loving and supportive than my mom, whether they be aunts, friends, teachers, coworkers, church leaders, etc. Over time these women have helped give me the confidence that my own mom hasn't given me. I have also, of course, really developed a strong relationship with my dad. He has actually filled the void of my mom pretty well. He grew up with 2 younger sisters and a great mom so he has many of the loving, empathetic qualities that women tend to have. The only downside with my dad is he suffers from anxiety so his nervous energy can sometimes rub off on me and mess with my confidence. But overall, my dad is a very positive and encouraging person. As for animals, I am definitely an animal lover, but don't have a ton of experience with pets. Therefore, my animal of choice is a stuffed animal. I have stuffed dogs, cats, teddy bears, and other animals that really help me deal with my emotions. I talk to them and role-play with them, even as a young adult. For a long time I thought that was really weird, but now I'm realizing that it is a form of therapy. It gives me comfort and some closure. For example, my teddy bears can fight with each other, but they can apologize to each other afterward, unlike my mom. In addition to stuffed animals, I love surrounding myself with fun throw pillows on my bed. The pillows make me feel secure.

I wish I could be honest with my mom about how emotionally abusive she has been to me, but I know that would be a very difficult conversation. My mom does not like to be confronted. She gets very defensive. There are many bad examples of arguments she has gotten into with my her mom, sisters, and step-siblings. She can't talk things out rationally. All she can do is get defensive and attack back. She raises her voice and says very hurtful things. But she has never gotten violent. I'm so sorry that your situation with your mom has gotten violent. That's really scary.

Someday I want to write a book about my difficult relationship with my mom and other struggles I have faced throughout my life. But I'll probably have to wait until she dies. On that note, part of me doesn't think I would even be sad if my mom got some terrible illness and died or died from a heart attack or committed suicide. I think I would actually feel relieved, for her and for me. At this point I think death is the only thing that will bring my mom peace. But I know that's harsh to say. I do love her and I want her to be here on this earth with me. I just want her to be happy and I want her to be pleasant to others. When she is in her best mood, she is fun and charming and hilarious. I have occasionally seen that side of her so I know it is possible.

I completely agree with the frustration of no justice and double standards. That happens in my family a lot. My mom might be ranting about something and my dad and I just listen and put up with it. But if I start ranting about something, my mom just tells me I'm being a brat and my voice is getting too loud and I'm giving her a headache. She blames my dad and me for giving her a headache all the time. And it's also true that good deeds are often criticized. For example, I might empty the dishwasher, but if I put the dishes back in the wrong place, she yells at me for that.

It is definitely possible that empathy and narcissism are heavily shaped by one's personality and it is hard to be trained to be the opposite. That's an interesting thought.
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My Difficult Parent / Re: Welcome to our forum
« Last post by Blossom on January 31, 2020, 08:41:28 pm »
Just to add I think some people just have empathy like us due to our personalities whereas my mother and sister as well as your mother are narcissistic so are unable to.
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My Difficult Parent / Re: Welcome to our forum
« Last post by Blossom on January 31, 2020, 08:35:29 pm »
Hi there emotionally abused :)

Omg! Your mother sounds like my mother's exact twin!! Are you sure they are not related?!! Joking aside, my mother is a narcissistic and self-absorbed. The scenario you've described where she can hurt you until you're unconsolable is one I've played out all my life 😢  I feel that my mother will never be the mother that I need and crave so I've looked to friends and animals to fill that void. She will never know how she's affected me but I've told het recently that she's ruined my life.

I wished I was the only child but it will probably result in your situation where you're piggy in the middle between both parents. Unfortunately my sister is also narcissistic and is definitely her mother's daughter. She refuses to speak to me only when she wants to shout at me and treats me like subhuman. I wouldn't ever treat anyone like that and my mother has done nothing to discourage that behaviour and encourage her to be nice to me.

Recently I'd a big argument with my mother and she was violent and kept saying vile things to me so I'd ended up defending myself by throwing my bag at her which ended up hitting her in the face. I cried and spoke to a friend I felt so dreadful even suicidal. I couldn't sleep all night and felt sick to my stomach the next days and my eyes were terribly sore. 🤒 She threatened to go the police but hadn't.

However 2 days after I've  overheard saying that she won't be friendly to me or get close to me. Apparently I'd hit her a lot, which I know isn't the case. She never once during this conversation with my dad considered the flip side of the coin that I was hurt and  very down. It is unbelievable...

Just like you my mother doesn't think she has s problem and hides behind god and my sister attaches all the blame on me. Basically they scapegoat and implicate me for the problems in the family.

What I don't understand is that I'd recently nursed my mother during a bad case of flu. She said that she would never forget how I'd looked after her and she'd look after me if I was ill. Outrageously this was quickly forgotten and she turned on me just for having a minor argument with my sister. It is so unfair and there is no justice at all.  ???
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My Difficult Parent / Re: Welcome to our forum
« Last post by EmotionallyAbusedMN on January 29, 2020, 10:35:49 pm »
I feel like narcissism is one of the worst qualities a person can have. I have always strived to be empathic and put myself in the shoes of others so it is hard for me to even fathom being so "me"-minded. Certainly my mom has shown generosity toward others, but it usually has to do with her first. For example, whenever my family travels out of town we ask our next-door neighbors to get our mail. Their mail box and our mail box are literally inches from each other (so not much extra time or effort required), but my mom always seems to go overboard with a gift to "repay" our neighbors for getting our mail. She has given them $100+ gifts, which is way too generous, but she feels she needs to prove she is generous so people think positively of her and will be generous to her. Yet she can also be one of the biggest jerks to service people, like cashiers at stores and servers at restaurants. She acts so entitled and rude when she interacts with them and it makes me so embarrassed. As for my own personal experience with my mom's narcissism, she often says or does things that hurt my feelings because she has a very harsh temper, but rarely is able to reflect on the outburst and apologize for being so hurtful. I may completely disappear from the room and bawl my eyes out for several hours because I feel so miserable, and she doesn't have a clue. When we interact again later, she almost always acts as if it never happened. She may even be cheerful and pleasant. And in order to move on, I just take her lead and go with it. I don't want to dwell on negativity, but sometimes it would be nice to have some honest reflection with my mom as a means of providing closure. Instead, the wound just keeps getting split open because it never can heal. 💔

I'm so very sorry that you don't feel love and support from other family members either. I'm sure it feels even worse when other family members take sides or suddenly turn against you. I am an only child, so sometimes I feel caught in the middle of my parents. When my mom is hurting me, I reach out to my dad for extra love and support and he is very understanding because he knows how hurtful my mom can be to him too. But often my mom gets paranoid that my dad and I are ganging up on her, so we have to be discreet about supporting each other. And sometimes my dad gets on my nerves for various reasons and I rant about him to my mom to get her support. But in both cases, I feel like I'm throwing my parents under the bus to each other and that makes me feel conflicted. Sometimes I wonder if having a sibling would give me an extended support system--someone close to my age who could relate to the behavior of both my mom and my dad and empathize with me over the frustrating moments. But at the same time, not all siblings get along with each other and I could be in a situation similar to what you are describing where siblings take sides and then you feel even more isolated. 😔

I guess my biggest frustration about the situation is the fact that I can't change others. I go to therapy for myself every week and feel I am making progress toward becoming a happier, healthier person. But I can't force my mom to go to therapy. And I can't force my dad to go either. My mom would not be willing to go because she denies that she has a problem. My dad would be willing to go but he is afraid it might make my mom more paranoid. He doesn't want to stir the pot. Again, he is a peace maker.
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My Difficult Parent / Re: Welcome to our forum
« Last post by Blossom on January 28, 2020, 11:33:10 pm »
Hi emotionally abused. Hope you're well  :) Your mother sounds like my mother!

I've come to the realisation that my mother is a narcissist so finds it difficult to care or show empathy towards me. It is a a painful situation to be in but I take it day by day. The feelings of violence you experience is just a natural by product of suppressed anger and resentment towards her. I experience too as my mother does not care about me as a person who cares about my feelings.

I'm glad that you can rely on your father for continued love and support. I wish I could but unfortunately none of my family  provide the love and support that I crave. My sister sides with my mother against me and my father always wants to get in their good books so will turn against me without warning.  :'( oh well that's life
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My Difficult Parent / Re: Welcome to our forum
« Last post by EmotionallyAbusedMN on January 28, 2020, 05:46:49 pm »
My relationship with my mom is so complicated. She can be supportive, empathetic, funny, charming, and fun to be around. But more often she can be a pessimistic, rude, critical, verbally abusive, and controlling bully. There are times when she makes me so angry and so upset that I absolutely despise her. Lately I have had dreams about shoving and punching her violently, which makes me feel disturbed since I am not a violent person in real life. But I clearly have so much bitterness built up in me toward her and that is how my brain is processing those feelings.

I try to be empathetic because my mom is not a happy person. She has struggled with low motivation and lack of purpose since childhood. She talks about having anxiety toward school and also feeling lazy throughout those years. As a teenager she lost her dad to cancer, and when she was in college her mom got remarried and moved to another state. She felt like her family was ripped apart and there was a void that needed to be filled. I think she has been bitter about this ever since.

She hoped that marriage and children would fill that void. Marrying my dad and having me were definitely very important life events for her. But at the same time, having a family did not fix her issues. My mom developed deep resentment toward my dad's family from the moment she met them and it continues to be a contentious topic in our house today. I think it stems from jealousy of the fact that my dad's family is intact and gets along well. On the other hand, my mom's relationship with her mom, siblings, step-dad, and step-siblings is not great. Each of them harbors a lot of pain and anger from over the years and that has resulted in some deep rifts. And because my mom has struggled with laziness and lack of purpose her whole life, she has put a lot of energy into living vicariously through me and my dad. She puts a lot of pressure on us to be successful and tries to control our choices. She doesn't want us to be like her. Yet she continues to be lazy and doesn't really contribute to the tasks of our home, except for laundry and grocery shopping. But those tasks make her so cranky and bitter that it is frankly more peaceful in the house when she doesn't do them. She mostly spends hours watching TV and movies, reading, and doing crossword and Sudoku puzzles as a way to just block out the real world. She hates doing any type of domestic chores and hates any type of job. My dad is an engineer who makes enough money to support our family so he has just given in to my mom's lazy lifestyle and doesn't try to push her. He just tries to be the peacemaker. He feels he can't change her. He feels helpless.

So the situation is very complicated. I know that my mom's difficult family circumstances have damaged her and caused her to be the way she is. But instead of owning up to it and seeking help, she continues to deny that she has a problem. The lazy attitude prevails. And I think there is also fear of failure. My mom tries to put on the persona that she is smarter than everyone else because she does so much reading, but deep down I know she feels like a failure. She wishes she could be a more productive person, but she is held back by low self-esteem and anxiety. And she takes her anger out on other people because it is too painful to blame herself. She has a sharp temper. She also controls other people because she feels out of control herself. And she has developed many OCD tendencies in recent years, again likely as a way to take control over something.

I totally understand what is going on, but that still doesn't make it easy. My mom is hard to love and hard to forgive. It takes a lot of courage to keep doing it. She never apologizes for treating me or others poorly, so the hurt just keeps building up. She moves on seemingly oblivious that she did anything wrong. It is mind blowing.

I am just so thankful that my dad has been able to provide the support that both my mom and I need. The fact that he is able to withstand my mom's complicated personality gives me strength. I don't always feel that the relationship is healthy. I truly think that my dad would be a happier person if he didn't have to put up with that. But no one is perfect anyway, so he is just trying to love what he has. He tries to focus on the qualities he married my mom for. Sure they can be hard to find sometimes, but her true colors do still come through.

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