Author Topic: Overpowering mothers  (Read 976 times)

clare low

  • Administrator
  • Jr. Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 60
Re: Overpowering mothers
« Reply #15 on: December 18, 2017, 04:00:17 pm »
Hi to all of you who have written in since hearing Angela on the Jeremy Vine show. You will know from her conversation that she too had a horrid mother. I have worked with young people and families for many years and have sadly come across many families with a horrid parent. So I have witnessed some of the manipulation, criticism and unkind unloving comments that get made. Angela and I decided to set up the website to help others who are suffering, giving some suggestions for dealing with some of the complex feelings, in order to make the best of our lives.

I do apologise for our radio silence on the forum recently. We have been inundated with email and messages on social media and so have not been able to keep up as well as we usually do. We are now planning to start workshops next year.

So an enormous thank you to all who have joined the forum. We are delighted that you are able to share and support, and we really appreciate your comments and advice, so please keep it coming.

Very best,

Alyson

Jennifer

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 25
Re: Overpowering mothers
« Reply #16 on: December 21, 2017, 05:27:32 am »
Well I didn’t need to take a wreath to my parents grave, my daughter went to a funeral  and the interment was at the same cemetery, so she put some flowers on unbeknown to me which was good of her, so my last visit was August and I feel strong enough now to not go anymore after 24 yrs of going regularly out of guilt or duty to a mother who never loved me and blamed myself from the age of seven, tine to move on

blckcat412

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 1
Re: Overpowering mothers
« Reply #17 on: October 15, 2018, 12:30:36 am »
I just need to get something off of my chest. I know my mom loves me, but she frequently criticizes me, saying how for a smart person I have no common sense. She also implies that I will be seen as weird and a loser in the real world (I’m currently in college, so she means when I graduate). She’s very hypocritical. I live in the dorm and when my friends and I go out, she insists that I come home at 9 pm. She calls me frequently if I am not in my room by that time and tries to guilt trips me, saying how stupid I am and that I have no common sense being out that late. Then she says I don’t hang out with people enough and that I will be seen as a loser. She doesn’t realize that most events where college students hang out happen around nighttime.

She also says I don’t know how to talk to people or understand things from their point of view. Just the other day, we were at the grocery store preparing for a Hindu religious festival. The prices at the store were very cheap, and saw a pile of coconuts on sale, I pointed the out to her and asked if she wanted one. “No thanks,” she said, “I’ll get them later.” Next day as we were late to the temple as we had to quickly buy a coconut from another, pricier store. As we’re buying it, she tells me, “Why didn’t you insist we buy the coconut if you knew we were going to the temple today?” The problem was that I didn’t know we were going to the temple, otherwise I would’ve said something the other day. I just kept quiet so that I wouldn’t **** her off.

Today she was critical again. She took some items out of the fridge and asked me to throw them. The only thing was that she had taken out some bread that was still good, and I assumed she asked me to throw the bread out too. She got very angry, said I have no common sense (sense a theme here?) and I said I should’ve used my brain to see the bread was fine and not throw it out. In this case I understand I made a dumb mistake, but she never acknowledge her miscommunication either. And in the car ride today, she got extremely frustrated from a previous incident that I hadn’t described a dress I owned accurately. I have a green dress that has a lot of red, orange, and sparkles on it, and I had asked my mom if she could please drop it off for me in the dorm this weekend as my friends and I wanted to go to garba. The problem was that I didn’t remember that the dress had green sleeves and a green skirt, I only remembered the red, orange, and sparkles because those were the features of the dress that most stuck out in my mind. When I explained to her that forgot what color the sleeves were, she got so frustrated that I didn’t remember the green color of the dress that she said I’m really stupid and I don’t have common sense. How could I not remember a simple color? Yet, when she asks me to grab something, such as a blanket or or towel, she tells me the wrong color (ex: pink instead of red) and then when I bring the wrong thing to her, she says “you know what I mean!”.

I feel like the problem is that no one has ever been so mean nor so critical of me except my mother. No one has ever made me feel so miserable so frequently like she has. What can I do to cope with her contestant criticisms?

Sooverit

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 4
Re: Overpowering mothers
« Reply #18 on: October 25, 2018, 03:53:02 am »
This does not exactly apply to what you wrote about but I will give some advise. Do not EVER believe she will change. She will never change.  NEVER.  With that in mind, do not tell her anything that she can turn around on you and use it to blast you.  I am 59 and it took me years to not tell her anything other than the weather, etc. Things that are not controversial.  And she STILL finds a way to be critical. It is harder for her which is amusing.  Never talk with her more than 15 minutes. I have a 15 minute rule for sitting down and talking. If I am there for 30 minutes it opens up the likelihood I will really get criticized. The fat word comes out about everyone. That is her favorite topic.

Karla

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 1
Re: Overpowering mothers
« Reply #19 on: July 13, 2019, 05:06:41 am »
My mom was a strange person.
She always yells at me for being dumb, having no common sense, and being lazy. Oh and she constantly berates my appearance too. The odd thing is she still spends a lot of money on me like paying for my tuition, personal trainer (she wants me to look thin and beautiful so that I can get married to “smart,rich and decent guys”, superficial, I know), buying me lots of stuff, however they’re not always with my permission (especially clothes), and when I told her that she shouldn’t waste her money and she should just ask me what I like, she ended up calling me an ungrateful ****.
I tried to help her with chores but nothing I did satisfies her.  She has a weird definition of cleanliness you know. Our family cleans our house at least twice a day. From then I decided to only do as I’m told, and in return she criticized me for being lazy. She says mean things about me all day, every day, even when she’s happy. This sometimes make me question whether she was ever wrong about me, and if I’m truly the arrogant and entitled **** she’s been criticizing over the past decade.
And then there comes other relationships. She hates my friends because they’re not “worthy” enough to hang out with me, yet criticizes me when I have no friends in college. The same goes for my job. As a college student I know part time jobs won’t get me much money but in return I get to meet new people, gain experience (and frankly, I don’t want to stay home with her).
She has a tendency to call me a ****, ****, hag (i’m still a virgin btw, the irony) for wearing makeup and dressing nicely, yet forbids me from going outside without nice clothing and a gorgeous face (the whole natural beauty ordeal) which can only be achieved by doing makeup. With romantic relationships, she always check to see if I have a boyfriend or not. She sets up the standards for my future boyfriend, which is so high that I don’t even think a man like that exists. But that’s my business. Was she so dissatisfied with her marriage with my dad that she wanted be to marry Jesus’s Incarnation?

Finally, the biggest pain in my ass, is her attitude towards my mental health. Obviously, I have zero to no expectations for a person who’s nearly triple my age to understand what this generation has to deal with, and I’m kinda sick of hearing her talking about “the war” and hard things were back then. That’s why I never get to visit a therapist and thus, has never been diagnosed with anything. I remember when I cut myself in tenth grade. My mom’s reaction was to beat me up, and ask me what people would think of her. Her. I remember bullshiting so many lies about my scars that year to anyone who asked. My mental health slowly deteriorated which now, at the age of 19, i’m starting to have intrusive thoughts regularly, and I could barely control my emotions. I usually cry a lot at night when everyone’s asleep, sometimes for no reason.

I do love her as my mother. But I don’t like her as a person.