My mom was a strange person.
She always yells at me for being dumb, having no common sense, and being lazy. Oh and she constantly berates my appearance too. The odd thing is she still spends a lot of money on me like paying for my tuition, personal trainer (she wants me to look thin and beautiful so that I can get married to “smart,rich and decent guys”, superficial, I know), buying me lots of stuff, however they’re not always with my permission (especially clothes), and when I told her that she shouldn’t waste her money and she should just ask me what I like, she ended up calling me an ungrateful
****.
I tried to help her with chores but nothing I did satisfies her. She has a weird definition of cleanliness you know. Our family cleans our house at least twice a day. From then I decided to only do as I’m told, and in return she criticized me for being lazy. She says mean things about me all day, every day, even when she’s happy. This sometimes make me question whether she was ever wrong about me, and if I’m truly the arrogant and entitled
**** she’s been criticizing over the past decade.
And then there comes other relationships. She hates my friends because they’re not “worthy” enough to hang out with me, yet criticizes me when I have no friends in college. The same goes for my job. As a college student I know part time jobs won’t get me much money but in return I get to meet new people, gain experience (and frankly, I don’t want to stay home with her).
She has a tendency to call me a
****,
****, hag (i’m still a virgin btw, the irony) for wearing makeup and dressing nicely, yet forbids me from going outside without nice clothing and a gorgeous face (the whole natural beauty ordeal) which can only be achieved by doing makeup. With romantic relationships, she always check to see if I have a boyfriend or not. She sets up the standards for my future boyfriend, which is so high that I don’t even think a man like that exists. But that’s my business. Was she so dissatisfied with her marriage with my dad that she wanted be to marry Jesus’s Incarnation?
Finally, the biggest pain in my ass, is her attitude towards my mental health. Obviously, I have zero to no expectations for a person who’s nearly triple my age to understand what this generation has to deal with, and I’m kinda sick of hearing her talking about “the war” and hard things were back then. That’s why I never get to visit a therapist and thus, has never been diagnosed with anything. I remember when I cut myself in tenth grade. My mom’s reaction was to beat me up, and ask me what people would think of her. Her. I remember bullshiting so many lies about my scars that year to anyone who asked. My mental health slowly deteriorated which now, at the age of 19, i’m starting to have intrusive thoughts regularly, and I could barely control my emotions. I usually cry a lot at night when everyone’s asleep, sometimes for no reason.
I do love her as my mother. But I don’t like her as a person.