Author Topic: Welcome to our forum  (Read 3446 times)

Speedian

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Re: Welcome to our forum
« Reply #210 on: September 03, 2019, 09:31:57 am »
This is my first post here. I'm not sure I should do this here or not. I gotta say,  I'm both glad and disgusted that this site exists. The fact that it needs to exist at all is what bothers me.
The fact of having parents that bring you into this world for whatever personal reasons, and not really take that job seriously.
My name is Steve, and I've lived a painful life. My Dad was an alcoholic and an abuser to my Mother, would then turned around at continued the abuse towards her 3 sons. I'm the middle kid. My mom is a Jehovah's Witness and shoved that down our throats as kids. Everything had to go as she said or she'd start physically abusing us.  We had no way out of the situation and no one to turn to. Me and my Older Brother got the brunt of it though. If we were going to be late, she'd get violent, if we talked back.....even if warranted she'd get violent. I was especially targeted as I'd never really believed in what she did, and I'd constantly call it out when something didn't make sense, to which I'd get a slap across the face and told not to talk back. This happened so much that I tried to kill myself at the age of 12. I told my mom and she just laughed at me.

Growing up, it was more like we were extensions of my Mother and not the growing individuals that we were. She'd be worried more about her image in the congregation then the ridicule we would receive from school for being "Jo-hoes". My mother would constantly let me know how disappointed she was of me. One time I tried to let her know how she made me feel and that she was always negative towards me and said "You never actually encourage me to be better", to which she responded, "What's there to encourage?"  I was just awestruck, and reply "Exactly my point" and she repeated it like I was making her point, that there was nothing good to encourage about me. She would always tell me that I'm just going to be a janitor for the rest of my life and that I'm going to live with her in her basement. This was at 18.

When I was 14 my older brother raped me. Full penetration, all while he was laughing as he did it. I couldn't turn to anyone, cause it just so happened that HE was touched by an Older brother, stealing any chance of me being able to talk about it without coming off as me making stuff up for attention. That was a common theme in my house. I was always told I was making things up. My mom would constantly say things like "You're going to end up just like your father"  when I got a 69 on my math test or That I'm going to be just like your brother when I skipped school cause I was so overwhelmed with what was happening to me and no outlet to speak of.
What I did to cope was Books, Video Games, Movies, music, Philosophy, Mysticism, anything to help take me out of my headspace. I didn't even realize that's why I was doing it at the time, but I do know now as O suffer from severe depression and anxiety, and those outlets no longer help.

It's hard for me, still, to think about my needs other than feeling selfish for some reason. Especially when I don't even know what I need at this point. I'm 34 now, and my life has derailed to the point where I don't know up from down anymore. I moved to the other side of the country to get away from there. If I was encouraged of anything growing up, it was to keep quiet and shut up. Don't make a fuss. And now as an adult, I'm lost on what "self-care" actually means for me.......let alone, what it means generally. All I know is that I want to get better....... that I want to BE better. I know it is in me, I know that because I've had glimpses of it. Just enough to make me think I'm crazy, or have delusions of grandeur. My mother's voice is still in my head, and I can't stop it. It's hard for me to hear my voice in my head over the noise of other voices. I just can seem to calm my mind, or at least do something that has some positive effect. I can feel my spirit slipping and I'm getting to the point of giving up......but I'm a fighter. And I'll keep fighting even if it scares me.....or probably kill me.

It's really hard to have no one in your life that has a positive influence on your life. Like a real friend and confidante. I have a friend that is kind of like that, although for guys.....being emotional is rather uncomfortable. I don't like it cause I don't understand them. Sure, I think they are necessary but for me, my emotion up to a point has been in check.....or maybe that's why because I buried it all and now it's just like a pot boiling over. I'm at a point in my life, and maybe that due to my illness that I don't have any motivation to help ME. I don't know what to do, other than what I'm doing, which is going to the doctor.....take meds......rinse and repeat. Still, though, I feel like I'm just one bad day away from doing something awful to myself and that scares the **** outta me.....which is probably a good thing. I'm always worried for those bad stars to align in my mind that will give me the push I need to follow through and yet I still stand.....so that's what counts right?

Honestly, I could write a book about my experiences but, I'm not going to do that here. I feel like this is overly long anyway. So I'll leave it there. Thanks to all that read my story and if it helps in some way, thats great.