My Horrid Parent

New At Ten
the national news tells us over 3,000,000 people in the UK may have a personality disorder (1 in 20 )

Below are the classifications of a PD:-

Cluster A: 'Odd and Eccentric'
Paranoid
suspicious
feel that other people are being nasty to you (even when evidence shows this isn’t true)
feel easily rejected
tend to hold grudges
Schizoid
emotionally 'cold'
don't like contact with other people, prefer your own company
have a rich fantasy world
Schizotypal
eccentric behaviour
odd ideas
difficulties with thinking
lack of emotion, or inappropriate emotional reactions
see or hear strange things
sometimes related to schizophrenia, the mental illness
Cluster B: 'Dramatic, Emotional and Erratic'
Antisocial, or Dissocial
don't care much about the feelings of others
easily get frustrated
tend to be aggressive
commit crimes
find it difficult to make close relationships
impulsive - do things on the spur of the moment without thinking about them
don’t feel guilty about things you've done
don’t learn from unpleasant experiences
Borderline, or Emotionally Unstable
impulsive - do things on the spur of the moment
find it hard to control your emotions
feel bad about yourself
often self-harm, e.g. cutting yourself or making suicide attempts
feel 'empty’
make relationships quickly, but easily lose them
can feel paranoid or depressed
when stressed, may hear noises or voices
Histrionic
over-dramatise events
self-centered
have strong emotions which change quickly and don't last long
can be suggestible
worry a lot about your appearance
crave new things and excitement
can be seductive
Narcissistic
have a strong sense of your own self-importance
dream of unlimited success, power and intellectual brilliance
crave attention from other people, but show few warm feelings in return
take advantage of other people
ask for favours that you do not then return
Cluster C: 'Anxious and Fearful'
Obsessive-Compulsive (aka Anankastic)
worry and doubt a lot
perfectionist - always check things
rigid in what you do, stick to routines
cautious, preoccupied with detail
worry about doing the wrong thing
find it hard to adapt to new situations
often have high moral standards
judgemental
sensitive to criticism
can have obsessional thoughts and images (although these are not as bad as those in obsessive-compulsive disorder)
Avoidant (aka Anxious/Avoidant)
very anxious and tense
worry a lot
feel insecure and inferior
have to be liked and accepted
extremely sensitive to criticism
Dependent
passive
rely on others to make decisions for you
do what other people want you to do
find it hard to cope with daily chores
feel hopeless and incompetent
easily feel abandoned by others
But I don't fit any of these ...

The symptoms and difficulties may not fit exactly into any one of these categories. You may see aspects of yourself in more than one category. Professionals, too, may find it hard to give you a single diagnosis. This is not unusual. It is pretty hard to describe any personality clearly, and so it can be difficult to make a clear diagnosis of personality disorder. It may be more helpful to think of these diagnoses, not as clear categories, but as exaggerations of normal, overlapping personality types.

What causes personality disorder?

The answer is not clear, but it seems that like other mental disorders, upbringing, brain problems and genes can play a part.
 
Upbringing
Sometimes, but not always, people with personality disorder have experienced
physical or sexual abuse in childhood
violence in the family
parents who drink too much
If children are taken out of this sort of difficult environment, they are less likely to develop a personality disorder.
 
Early problems
Severe aggression, disobedience, and repeated temper tantrums in childhood.
 
Brain problems
Some people with antisocial personality disorder have very slight differences in the structure of their brains, and in the way some chemicals work in their brains. However, there is no brain scan or blood test that can diagnose a personality disorder.
 
Triggers
using a lot of drugs or alcohol
problems getting on with your family or partner
money problems
anxiety, depression or other mental health problems
important events
stressful situations
loss, such as death of a loved one

Remember it takes a professional to diagnose what pd you suffer from so the above is only a guideline. Many of those with a PD are not aware they are disordered and those close to them do not understand where all the chaos is coming from. Local groups are needed where people can support each other and learn techniques to deal with this problem
Support for those close too @ Carers4pd

Mitch

Hello Everyone, I am just writing for some support. My very, very elderly mother is almost impossible to put up with. I am well in to retirement with my husband but I am doing something with her/for her every day. She is extremely nasty at times, jealous of my life and makes awful remarks. Her friends don't see this side of her.I am worn out with it all. My life is slipping from me, all our friends are free. I am an only child. I just don't feel I can stand much more, but I can't find a way to cope. This is so difficult. She saps the joy out of everything with her bitter, nasty remarks. I'm worn out. Any suggestions please. She won't accept help from anybody else, and thinks this her right. JennyL.

Hello Jenny, I hope this is not too late.  Your torturer is not going to change,  unfortunately.  Stay away.  She does not deserve your respect.  Keep yourself well and avoid even thinking about her.  I know, not easy to do. 

Hi there,

I have joined this site as I have 2 horrid and controlling parents who actually go out of their way to sabotage me.
I am trying to cope and I am hoping that by joining a community like this I might be able to talk to people who understand my situation and in turn feel some support and validation because I have been feeling very alone in all of this and I am hoping that by speaking my truth it may somehow set me free.

I have been trying to deal with this myself and process and accept my reality. I find when I do open up to some people about my parents treatment towards me a lot of the people cannot seem to contemplate a parent/s behaving that way so I end up feeling like I am the crazy one or that they think I am exaggerating or lying about my situation.

I was seeing a psychologist who has met both my parents and treated my mother previously, she has told me that she believes my mum has histrionic personality disorder and my dad has antisocial personality disorder both with a lot of narcissistic traits, though I do feel like she is holding back (maybe for my own protection as they are very nasty people and are constantly in some sort of legal battle). I have read a lot about narcissistic pd and I was sure my mum is a secretly mean narcissist but then when I started reading about borderline pd a lot of that resonates about my mothers behaviour too.

I am desperately trying to come to terms with my reality and accept the fact that I will never know unconditional love or support from a parent. There were plenty of things that happened as I was growing up that my parents said and did that did not seem right however when I would begin to question their behaviour I would very quickly push those thoughts to the side and follow my mothers script.. 'they are the kindest, most generous parents who have done more for me than other parents do for their kids' so then how could they not love me?.

To make the effect on my self esteem and the emotional abuse worse I stupidly worked for them for over a decade once I finished school/study. I was a loyal and hardworking employee and I was forever trying to get their approval. Customers would make comments to my father like 'I hope you are paying her well she is a real asset to your company' my fathers response would be 'she's lucky to have a job'... thy paid me minimum wage. Looking back this I feel was the final straw of my self esteem. When I was in highschool the teachers opened my mind to what appropriate behaviour towards others is, but once I was working for my parents I was cut off from 'normal' people as it was only my mother, father and my sister in the office (my sister has a lot of my parents traits especially my mothers and was encouraged by my mother to disrespect me) my parents have always favoured my sister. I thought I could trust my parents because they were my parents so when one of them treated me wrong I would go to the other to try and process and validate and the constant message I received was it was the treatment I deserved.

I have a lovely supportive husband and an amazing little girl whom I adore. (My father in-law and husbands step mother both have personality disorders also we no longer communicate with them).
 
When I had my daughter and I was no longer working for my parents that is when it really hit home about my parents treatment towards me because my mother especially would say things to me that cut like a knife for example.. 'I just think you should know that ***** is going to be embarrassed about your size when she starts school she is going to wish you were thin like the other mums'. Never once has she told me that I am a good parent however she tells me how good my sister is with my daughter and how much she loves her, there has been no support or encouragement. She doesn't want to do things with my daughter and I, she wants to take my daughter and do stuff with my daughter and my sister and exclude me.
I honestly could go on for days about things she has said and done but once I was holding my baby girl in my arms thinking about how I wish her nothing but the best and I life filled with love and support that is what highlighted that something has always been terribly wrong with both of my parents.

My psychologist encouraged my husband and I to move overseas to seperate ourselves from both his and my families, which we have done and we are loving it here, though when we do travel home I am riddled with anxiety. When we organised to move we did it on our own and only discussed it with a select few that we felt we could trust because we didn't want my parents trying to step in and manipulate the situation or making drama, we told them a month before that we were leaving.
My dad never said goodbye and didn't wish me well or a merry Christmas or happy birthday, though he posted happy birthday to my sister as an add on to my facebook post to her. He continues to ignore me in what is meant to intimidate me and create self doubt?.
My parents have made a big drama about me leaving (I am a grown married woman) and told many lies about us leaving and turned the situation into some kind of situation in which I have done wrong by them and that they are deeply hurt. I actually saw phone messages between my mum and cousin about how I have 'had many people fooled for a long time' and that I am 'controlling and manipulative but to what degree' 'hopefully noone in the family will talk to her' there were plenty more and they were very hurtful and a good indication of the back story my mum is manipulating to all of her friends, my family and anyone who will listen.
There has been no altercation between my parents and I yet the messages read like I had attempted to murder my parents and not just move to another country for my husbands work so we could be together as a family.
The manipulation, mistreatment when there are no witnesses and then the defamation of my character are all becoming a bit much for me to deal with.

Apologies for the long post   

Hi 2PP, your in a real bind but know this IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. I have recently been trying to help a young Asian lady of Indian decent whose parents appear to have wanted a boy but got her as they see her as pretty much either a burdon or a chattel, but not a member of the family to love and cherish.  The best thing she did was move away from the West Midlands to the north east where shegot a job as a teaching assistant and is now studying to become a teacher.  She found herself, her dignity and a reason to be proud of herself but NOT until she had cut herself off from her family.

Hi there,

I have joined this site as I have 2 horrid and controlling parents who actually go out of their way to sabotage me.
I am trying to cope and I am hoping that by joining a community like this I might be able to talk to people who understand my situation and in turn feel some support and validation because I have been feeling very alone in all of this and I am hoping that by speaking my truth it may somehow set me free.

I have been trying to deal with this myself and process and accept my reality. I find when I do open up to some people about my parents treatment towards me a lot of the people cannot seem to contemplate a parent/s behaving that way so I end up feeling like I am the crazy one or that they think I am exaggerating or lying about my situation.

I was seeing a psychologist who has met both my parents and treated my mother previously, she has told me that she believes my mum has histrionic personality disorder and my dad has antisocial personality disorder both with a lot of narcissistic traits, though I do feel like she is holding back (maybe for my own protection as they are very nasty people and are constantly in some sort of legal battle). I have read a lot about narcissistic pd and I was sure my mum is a secretly mean narcissist but then when I started reading about borderline pd a lot of that resonates about my mothers behaviour too.

I am desperately trying to come to terms with my reality and accept the fact that I will never know unconditional love or support from a parent. There were plenty of things that happened as I was growing up that my parents said and did that did not seem right however when I would begin to question their behaviour I would very quickly push those thoughts to the side and follow my mothers script.. 'they are the kindest, most generous parents who have done more for me than other parents do for their kids' so then how could they not love me?.

To make the effect on my self esteem and the emotional abuse worse I stupidly worked for them for over a decade once I finished school/study. I was a loyal and hardworking employee and I was forever trying to get their approval. Customers would make comments to my father like 'I hope you are paying her well she is a real asset to your company' my fathers response would be 'she's lucky to have a job'... thy paid me minimum wage. Looking back this I feel was the final straw of my self esteem. When I was in highschool the teachers opened my mind to what appropriate behaviour towards others is, but once I was working for my parents I was cut off from 'normal' people as it was only my mother, father and my sister in the office (my sister has a lot of my parents traits especially my mothers and was encouraged by my mother to disrespect me) my parents have always favoured my sister. I thought I could trust my parents because they were my parents so when one of them treated me wrong I would go to the other to try and process and validate and the constant message I received was it was the treatment I deserved.

I have a lovely supportive husband and an amazing little girl whom I adore. (My father in-law and husbands step mother both have personality disorders also we no longer communicate with them).
 
When I had my daughter and I was no longer working for my parents that is when it really hit home about my parents treatment towards me because my mother especially would say things to me that cut like a knife for example.. 'I just think you should know that ***** is going to be embarrassed about your size when she starts school she is going to wish you were thin like the other mums'. Never once has she told me that I am a good parent however she tells me how good my sister is with my daughter and how much she loves her, there has been no support or encouragement. She doesn't want to do things with my daughter and I, she wants to take my daughter and do stuff with my daughter and my sister and exclude me.
I honestly could go on for days about things she has said and done but once I was holding my baby girl in my arms thinking about how I wish her nothing but the best and I life filled with love and support that is what highlighted that something has always been terribly wrong with both of my parents.

My psychologist encouraged my husband and I to move overseas to seperate ourselves from both his and my families, which we have done and we are loving it here, though when we do travel home I am riddled with anxiety. When we organised to move we did it on our own and only discussed it with a select few that we felt we could trust because we didn't want my parents trying to step in and manipulate the situation or making drama, we told them a month before that we were leaving.
My dad never said goodbye and didn't wish me well or a merry Christmas or happy birthday, though he posted happy birthday to my sister as an add on to my facebook post to her. He continues to ignore me in what is meant to intimidate me and create self doubt?.
My parents have made a big drama about me leaving (I am a grown married woman) and told many lies about us leaving and turned the situation into some kind of situation in which I have done wrong by them and that they are deeply hurt. I actually saw phone messages between my mum and cousin about how I have 'had many people fooled for a long time' and that I am 'controlling and manipulative but to what degree' 'hopefully noone in the family will talk to her' there were plenty more and they were very hurtful and a good indication of the back story my mum is manipulating to all of her friends, my family and anyone who will listen.
There has been no altercation between my parents and I yet the messages read like I had attempted to murder my parents and not just move to another country for my husbands work so we could be together as a family.
The manipulation, mistreatment when there are no witnesses and then the defamation of my character are all becoming a bit much for me to deal with.

Apologies for the long post

Hello and thank-you for the welcome. I am in the midst of writing my story about my awful mother and the years of ensuing guilt she has made me feel. Recently though, I have had an overwhelming need/want to have a decent human being (mother) in my life. A sort of adoptive mother figure. I found a website in the US called creating extended families. I wondered if there was something similar in the UK? I have searched online but only found resources for children / young adults. I'm 43. I just feel so alone, isolated and wish there was a female elder in my life.
Thanks in advance for any answers!

Gosh - have only just read this, but then in 2017 I was still sailing in cloud cuckoo land, the nasty child abuser who gave birth to me was still alive and, as my husband observed, I had always been dutiful.
At least you found out you had been cut out of the will for a favoured child whilst your mother was still alive. My advice- Walk away NOW, if you have not already done so and she is still alive. She does not deserve you - and tell your children what you have really been through, I am assuming here that they are adult children, I would never give that advice for little ones, or troubled teens.

I did not find out until after the funeral, when the will was read - after I had agreed to write and read the eulogy if people helped by giving me their happy memories as I had none. All that baloney about her kindness (well she was to friends and random members of the community). Far, far worse than the Chosen One being bequeathed £100K to my diddly squat was the spiteful resentment filled letter she left to 'explain' her decision. Everything I ever achieved, or had that she thought the Chosen One didn't was bitterly resented, down to £2,000 more than him in bequests from my Godmothers' widower, 20 years before she wrote her will.
The wills were written 12 years before my father died, by which time she had dementia and NO ONE told me, I was betrayed utterly by the father I loved. All those years the 2-faced pair accepted my gifts and hospitality, gave me gifts (which I've since got rid of). My father could have taken me quietly to one side - so that I could have chosen to walk away and the Chosen One, my brother knew - she always gloated over her little acts of spite to my grandmother andothers, this would have been too good to keep to herself