Author Topic: Welcome to our forum  (Read 8781 times)

steved

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Re: My Difficult Parent
« Reply #165 on: January 02, 2018, 11:48:40 am »
I don’t have any stories of extreme abuse that show in a clear way that my mother has a Narcissistic Personality Disorder and is not just a bit mean. But I have read about it and she fits the profile of a narcissist quite well. She has, I believe no empathy for me, and is very calculating at it being nasty or neglectful in a way that would make other people think I might just be overreacting. She knows how to hurt me subtly but create a lot of harm. Earlier this year my uncle sexually harassed me while I was working for him and she said “yes, but he’s paying you”. She once told me that she couldn’t celebrate my birthday because she had free movie tickets. In fact, every birthday she does something to make me feel worthless – another year (I was in my thirties) she told me my sister could have the first piece of my birthday cake because she was more important than me and when I brought it up in private 30 minutes later she said that she couldn’t remember saying it at first and then started arguing adamantly that if I wanted to be offended by it, that was my problem. Another year she sent me a text gushing happy birthday with lots of xoxoxo and then told me (in the same text) someone I had been quite fond of had died. There’s countless examples like this, I don’t feel at all emotionally safe around her and want to have no contact with her but don’t feel anyone would back me if I said this. To everyone else she comes across as either charming or harmless. Sometimes she seems to either use other people to exact punishment on me or just show approval of it happening when it does. A woman once screamed in white hot rage at me on a ferry because she mistook a child that accidentally kicked her as mine and my mother who was sitting right next to me couldn’t have looked any further in the other direction. When I later commented that I thought the woman had an anger management problem my mum gave me stone faced silence. It makes you feel pretty worthless if your mum is ok with someone screaming in your face, it has made me have poor boundaries and a tendency to just freeze and not know what to say. Once a friend of hers who was a bit emotionally unstable wrote a letter to me which was a horrible character assassination. My mother had passed that letter to me and when I told her what it said she simply shrugged as if to say it had nothing to do with her. She never once asked me how school had been that day, used to leave the cooking and dishes to everyone else in the family, withholds information, only shows concern about things when they are made public, her default state is cold and she is extremely reluctant to help me (often adamantly refuses – usually helps when she can tell people about it) but forcefully demands help and validation from me. I have moved to a different state to her a year and a half ago and at that point started to get some perspective and realise how damaging she was. I would say my depression was in large part due to her (and my father who is also a narcissist – I know, that sounds crazy but it’s true, I can illustrate my claims quite adequately - but he does have some empathy for me and he kind of owns it to some extent by admitting that he’s quirky). I have never had a boyfriend because relationships don’t seem like positive things to me and I would like to have my chance to enjoy life. I have been to a psychologist and been told that I don’t have a personality disorder so I guess ultimately the joke’s on her.

Hi I think in your case NO CONTACT WITH HER would be by far the very best option, she clearly enjoys making you suffer long term.

clare low

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Re: Welcome to our forum
« Reply #166 on: January 08, 2018, 03:02:37 pm »
Hi Wpple and Entonces thanks for your stories. They are so hard to hear about. It is very interesting that although you have had different experiences in terms of degree, you have both suffered with being manipulated and your lives being made miserable growing up. How we understand the bad things that happen to us and take responsibility for making our adult lives work out in the best way possible is indeed a huge challenge. You both sound as if you have taken steps to protect yourselves and to find satisfaction in your work.

Having trust in your self to start your own relationships is important when you are ready for it Entonces.
Wpple - good for you getting there!

Good luck - Alyson

Mitchell

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Re: Welcome to our forum
« Reply #167 on: January 09, 2018, 06:56:52 pm »
 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

It can be difficult to diagnose any PD this is for the experts for some it does mean NC (no contact) but there are ways to work with some and a growing number of sites on this subject ie in the UK there is Carers4pd and an American site which is registered with the NHS  www.BPDFamily.com are some

There was an excellent program the other night a documentary about Princes Diana it was different because it went into her very troubled childhood and her many problems. I firmly believe she fell into this category as do others  read "Diana in Search Of Herself" and "The Duchess Of Cornwall the untold story"

What also might help is "Understanding The Borderline Mother" its for those who have parents with BPD   

Mitch 
« Last Edit: January 09, 2018, 07:05:26 pm by Mitchell »

Mitchell

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Re: Welcome to our forum
« Reply #168 on: January 12, 2018, 04:57:26 pm »
 ??? ??? ??? ??? ??? ??? ??? ??? ??? ??? ??? ??? ??? ??? ??? ??? ???

AT LAST NEWS AT TEN COVERED PD's

did anyone see News at Ten last night it gave PD's a good 5 min slot quoted figures I've been quoting for years now OVER 3,000,000 IN THE UK  1 in 20 MAY SUFFER 70% OF THE PRISON POPULATION AND THE FACT SOME PSYCHIATRISTS STILL DON'T ACCEPT THEY EXIST
It interviewed a few people who had difficulty in finding a diagnosis.

For me this has vilified what I've been saying for years and the fact not only do the suffers need help also the carers need help. This may now mean good quality information may be available for all and an end to discrimination & stigma we can now have an intellectual debate on this subject and see sites such as Carers4pd   bpdcentral.com    BPDFamily.com  and Out Of The FOG  highlighted

Here's Hoping

Mitch

PS I understand PD's have been reclassified to help bring more attention to the disorders as the old definitions were seen to be damaging  I also strongly believe they are core issues within domestic abuse/violence which does not show because most are never receive a diagnosis just my thoughts

 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
« Last Edit: January 12, 2018, 05:03:10 pm by Mitchell »

Mitchell

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Re: Welcome to our forum
« Reply #169 on: January 12, 2018, 05:11:42 pm »


study of carer burden and well-being

Rachel C. Bailey, University of WollongongFollow
Brin F. S Grenyer, University of WollongongFollow

RIS ID
97238

Publication Details
Bailey, R. C. & Grenyer, B. F. S. (2014). Supporting a person with personality disorder: a study of carer burden and well-being. Journal Of Personality Disorders, 28 (6), 796-809.

Abstract
Personality disorders are characterized by impaired interpersonal functioning. There are few studies and little data available using validated questionnaires on the impact of caring for a person with personality disorder. The 287 carers included in this study were administered the McLean Screening Instrument for Borderline Personality Disorder-Carer Version, Burden Assessment Scale, Grief Scale, Difficulties in Emotion Regulation Scale, Mental Health Inventory-5, and a qualitative question. Scores were compared to those of published comparison groups. Burden and grief were significantly higher than that reported by carers of persons with other serious mental illnesses. Carers endorsed symptoms consistent with mood, anxiety, and posttraumatic stress disorders. A qualitative concept map highlighted the impact of caregiving on the interpersonal environment. Carers of persons with personality disorder report grieving their change in life and impairment in well-being. Carers are burdened, and appear more so than carers of persons with other serious mental illnesses. The results highlight the need for interventions to support carers.



The above is exactly what I have been saying that is;- to live with a person who is PD'rd can be very damaging given the fact most are in denial . And below shows the need for public awareness With better awareness more people would come forward realizing there are others in the same situation


Mitch

Entonces

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Re: Welcome to our forum
« Reply #170 on: January 14, 2018, 03:29:49 am »
I thought the issue with narcissism was that they thought they were perfect so they're unlikely to think that they need to get help. I wonder whether it is healthy for someone who has been abused by their parent to care for them. Is it possible that someone who doesn't carry a lot of emotional baggage into the predicament would provide better care?

Also, I agree that personality disorders may be contributing to a lot of domestic violence. Wouldn't a lot of the characteristics of abusers fit into the psychopathic disorder group? The women who get into relationships with these men are charmed by them, these men are really manipulative, they also lack empathy and have huge egos etc. I saw a documentary about women who had been in these relationships and their description of their partners' behaviour is an exact match for psychopathy.

Jennifer

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Re: Welcome to our forum
« Reply #171 on: January 15, 2018, 03:15:56 pm »
I don’t know where this thread is leading but it’s not for me , I had an abusive  mother, mean to the core and I just want some empathy, to hear I am not alone with this problem, and not to read things I can’t understand,  nor talk about abusive  relationships with partners it’s about children and lousy childhoods and still living with guilt it was their fault as in my case 60 oddyrs

Mitchell

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Re: Welcome to our forum
« Reply #172 on: January 15, 2018, 07:08:52 pm »
I feel i must reply to a post

  " lousy childhoods and still living with guilt it was their fault as in my case 60 oddyrs"

To say a child is a fault or living with guilt is wrong & is not the answer, some people live in ignorance that can be the fault of a lot of things, yes maybe in some way themselves but mostly lack of help, understanding and knowledge of why their childhood was lousy?? Whether my childhood was lousy is questionable it certainly wasn't great and being an only child off course I hid guilt. My mother and aunt both had PD's (personality disorders) so there was a reason behind there changeing behaviors and things would have been different if the was help back in the 50's & 60's Today thankfully help is beginning, AT LAST! 

ON THE NEWS AT TEN (11/01/2018) IT SPENT 5 MIN ON PERSONALITY DISORDERS AND SAID OVER 3,00,000 IN THE UK WITH THIS TYPE OF DISORDER 1 IN 20 AND 70% OF PRISONERS IT WENT INTO THE FACT THERE ARE PSYCHIATRISTS WHO STILL DON'T ACCEPT THIS DIAGNOSIS AND IT INTERVIEW A FEW WHO TALKED ABOUT HOW HARD IT WAS TO GET A DIAGNOSIS AND TREATMENT
I am glad to see people using this board as a mechanism to talk with others who understand and hopefully get the message out more help is needed.
 I accept there are those whose childhood was so bad they need to break all contact but for others it is possible to have contact or limited contact

Mitch   
« Last Edit: January 15, 2018, 07:11:58 pm by Mitchell »

steved

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Re: Welcome to our forum
« Reply #173 on: January 16, 2018, 08:07:07 am »
I don’t know where this thread is leading but it’s not for me , I had an abusive  mother, mean to the core and I just want some empathy, to hear I am not alone with this problem, and not to read things I can’t understand,  nor talk about abusive  relationships with partners it’s about children and lousy childhoods and still living with guilt it was their fault as in my case 60 oddyrs

I agree 100% with your post Jenny, and you are not alone. It is about vicious, vindictive, malicious, self obseessed, bitter, twisted controlling, bullying. sadistic parents affecting children ,   I'm not hear to read psychological aspects of adult relationships, I dont care about THEIR conditions just to find out that I am a victim not an evil person for not pandering to my mothers moods.
« Last Edit: January 16, 2018, 08:09:50 am by steved »

Jennifer

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Re: Welcome to our forum
« Reply #174 on: January 16, 2018, 05:38:32 pm »
Thanks Steved for your support, I do have a brain and am fairly intelligent but facts and figures do nothing to heal our wounds , I personally  think my mother didn’t have a disorder she was just  an unpleasant person !

Mitchell

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Re: Welcome to our forum
« Reply #175 on: January 16, 2018, 06:36:50 pm »
Believe me I do sympathize with you or anyone who has this type of parent, they deserve our empathy and their may be countless reasons why our parents are like this. In my case my mother was BPD low functioning and my aunt was schizoid on the main news the other night it gave out the fact 3,000,000 in the UK suffer a PD
I've been on email forums for 18 plus years which saved my sanity in my case I found it very useful to understand why my mother was the way she was and also to talk to others who had the same type of parent or as in some cases both parents. I was an only child so no one to talk with that is why for some it is important to open up in a group who understand This is where I learned about books like Understand The Borderline Mother   

steved

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Re: Welcome to our forum
« Reply #176 on: January 16, 2018, 09:29:35 pm »
Thanks Steved for your support, I do have a brain and am fairly intelligent but facts and figures do nothing to heal our wounds , I personally  think my mother didn’t have a disorder she was just  an unpleasant person !

Personally when a mother appears to get PLEASURE  from instilling fear, shame, misery, guilt , control or pain over a child they are supposed to nurture  I think they are just plain bloody evil.  ESPECIALLY if they had a traumatic brutal childhood themselves. You would think they would be more like us and go out of their way to be good loving parents, but NO because they may have been brutalised they CHOOSE to brutalise their children.

Mitchell

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Re: Welcome to our forum
« Reply #177 on: January 18, 2018, 04:44:17 pm »
Unfortunately my mother suffered from  borderline personality disorder now called emotionally unstable disorder and yes many of her actions could be called evil and yes she had a bad childhood. Unfortunately the term personality disorder was only defined in the 1920/30's and poorly researched since, with many psychiatrists disagreeing and some believed it was a mental disorder and others would say they were "ingrained maladaptive behaviors which have been learned therefore can be unlearned" so a huge gap remained for many years. Meaning many people were never diagnosed, GP's never got involved as they had nowhere to send people.
This area is now being recategorised and there are new definitions so hopefully in the future this will be dealt with, I've been on forums for 18 years and spoken to hundreds of others who have a personality disordered parent. For some some the torture ia so bad they have to break all contact, but still need people who understand and support them.
At last in the UK services are being developed  such as BIGSPD and now for the carers Carers4pd on the bbc news the other night it told us there are over 3,000,000 in the UK with this type of disorder 1 in 20 of the population

Mitch
   

Mitchell

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Re: Welcome to our forum
« Reply #178 on: January 19, 2018, 04:51:40 pm »
I think this poem fits well

PLEASE HEAR WHAT I AM NOT SAYING

Don’t be fooled by me.
Don’t be fooled by the mask I wear
For I wear a mask –
A mask that I’m afraid to take off.
Pretending is an art that’s second nature to me…
But don’t be fooled
I give you the impression that I’m secure.
That all is sunny and unruffled with me, within as well as without.
That confidence is my name and coolness is my game.
And that I need no one.
But don’t believe me … Please.
My surface may seem smooth, but my surface is my mask.
Beneath swells the real me in confusion – in fear – alone – in pain.
But I hide this: I don’t want anybody to know it.
I panic at the thought of my weakness: fears and pain being exposed.
That’s why I frantically create a mask to hide behind.
I need help … help that is followed by caring from people who care enough to help me.
It’s the only thing that can liberate me. From myself: from my own self-build prison walls.
From the barriers I so painstakingly erect.
It’s the only thing that will assure me of what I can’t assure myself – that I’m really worth something.
But I don’t tell you this. I don’t dare. I’m afraid to.
I’m afraid you’ll think less of me and that you’ll laugh. And your laugh would hurt me.
I’m afraid that deep down I’m nothing, that I’m just no good. And that you’ll see this and reject me.
So I play my game, my desperate game, with a mask of assurance without.
And a trembling child within.
I dislike hiding. Honestly.
I dislike the superficial game I’m playing, the superficial, phony game
I’d really like to be genuine and spontaneous … and me.
But you’ve got to help me.
You’ve got to hold out your hand even when that’s the last thing thing I seem to want or need.
Only you can wipe away from my eyes the emptiness and pain I try not to feel.
Only you can help me.
Each time you’re kind, and gentle, and encouraging.
Each time you try to understand because you really care my heart begins to grow wings.
Very small wings; very feeble wings. But wings.
With your sensitivity and sympathy, and your power of understanding, you can breathe life into me.
I want you to know that.
I want you to know how important you are to me.
How you can be the creator of the person that is me if you choose to.
Please choose to.
You alone can break down the wall from behind which I tremble. You alone can remove my mask.
You alone can release me from my shadow world of panic and uncertainty – from my lonely prison.
So do not pass me by. Please do not pass me by.
It will not be easy for you.
A long conviction of worthlessness and anger builds strong walls.
The nearer you approach me the blinder I may strike back. It’s irrational. Sometimes I’m irrational.
I fight against the very thing I cry out for.
But I am told that love, caring, and kindness are stronger than strong walls: in this lies hope,
My only hope.
Please try to beat down those walls with firm hands, but with gentle hands, for a child is very
sensitive.
Who am I, you may wonder. I am someone you know very well.
For I am every man you meet. And I am every woman you meet.

Jennifer

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Re: Welcome to our forum
« Reply #179 on: January 19, 2018, 06:28:17 pm »
Oohh I ve read this poem several times on this forum but always  good to read now and again