My Horrid Parent

 

Hi Astra

Welcome to the group yes thanks for the board there are millions like us seeking answers, at last this gives us some space to share and learn.

For over twenty years now I belonged to email groups (American based) which touch on this or more to the point part of the problem. In my case my mother and my aunt had mental health issues, needless to say they were in DENIAL and would never accept they had any mental health issues! At last these issues are starting to be discussed in public which is freeing more people to talk.

May we all heal

Mitch

 

Hello, I am trying to send the administrators of this site a message to comment on one of the blog posts. Firstly, good job on setting up this site - I have absolutely horrid parents!!! I just wanted to comment re the horrid grandmother blog - I disagree that the children should not be told about the parents experiences. My mother is a narcissist, evil and cruel. But no one would believe it. She is lovely to who she wants to be lovely to but abusive to me and my sister behind closed doors.  My father is the same. But they are absolutely lovely to my son and were also lovely to my sisters daughter at first. I have watched them try to turn the grandchildren against their own parents and I have read countless stories of parents who have lost their children to the lies of the horrid grandparents. I have decided that when my son is old enough I will tell him about the abuse I suffered. Because I do not want him to be under any false impressions about my family. And if I am not honest with him, they will lie to him and from experience with my extended family (who have been told stories about me for years), it’s hard to convince someone of the truth when starting on the back foot. It’s only a matter of time before they start telling full on lies to my son so I will be explaining the truth before that happens. I respect the site you have here but I don’t agree with your advice to not tell the children about their horrid grandparents. I think that it’s importabt to be open and honest about the abuse to stop the cycle affecting the next generation.

 

A great place for those who care for someone with a PD check out
Carers4pd

Mitchell

 

Hello, thank you for setting up a website in which people like me can talk about our experiences.

I just wanted to ask a question and get some advice if I may? My Mum isn't horrible or abusive to me every day, sometimes we can go weeks where we seem to get on 'fine' (we never have had nor will we have a close relationship) she acts sickly sweet during these calm periods. But she just seems to errupt and horrible, nasty things will come out of her mouth. Such hurtful things which she never apologises for saying. She just acts like nothing has happened and I'm left feeling completely stunned and heartbroken. Today she told me that if my Dad dies (from chest pains) it will be my fault because I am a stress to him (my dad and I normally have a good relationship), I hung up.

There have been so many of these types of statements, about me, my friends anything that I can't even remember. Just straight, cut you to the core type stuff. I normally try not to bite but sometimes, especially when i was in my teenage years, I couldn't help it. Now I have not been living with her for the last ten years things seem to be a bit better but I still am on the receiving end of vitriol about once a month. Is she a horrid parent or am I a horrid child? Everyone else's experiences seem to be constant rather than once a month. I will never be close to her during the calm periods because of these outbursts though and so am not exactly the most attentive daughter to her.

Any answers would be much appreciated, even writing this down has been a relief.

Dear Motherless,

Thank you so much for your message. What a dreadful experience you have had with your abusive mother. I am so sorry to read this. It is such a shame that you were not able to get help, support and protection from your father.
I can understand that in a culture where the mother figure is sacred it is even harder to make sense of what has happened to you. However abuse is not tolerated in any society. You might find this international website helpful:

http://www.hotpeachpages.net

Do look at the website and let us know your full story when you are ready.

Best,

Alyson

Just joined, listened to Angela on Jeremy Vine show. Everything she said struck a chord with me

Hi thank you for this.
Just listening to Angela on Jeremy Vine show.
Much of it was like listening to my own childhood.
I was however, hit and grabbed around the neck by my mother. My dad, who I was very close with, died the day after my 11th birthday from stomach cancer. I am the oldest of 4 siblings, all of whom have lived with me at different times of their lives.  They had a very different, albeit dysfunctional, relationship with her.
During my teen years she told me I had killed my father.

My mother is still living, we have not lived in the same country since 1980, but for many years I visited, phoned and put up with her verbal abuse, sneers and put downs.

However, what she put me through made me stronger and determined that my children would be brought up very differently 😀 she gave me a template of what not to do, although like all other parents I haven’t always got it right.

I too married very young, 19, and am still with my husband. In our 20s we worked as ‘houseparents’ running a small family group children’s home. I had a baby and my second child was born the following year. My husband followed his own career. The long term youngsters, who are now in their 40s and 50s have remained very close to us and our three children.

It is now over 10 years since I made the decision not to maintain contact with my mother, as she not only continued to criticise me, but then turned her nasty attention to my amazing daughters, I asked her to stop and said I would hang up if she carried on - she carried on, so I hung up. And that has been it.

I am in touch with one of my sisters who lives in Australia and I guess I will be emailed when my mother passes away. I am resigned to that - I did my very best for 55 years and just came to the end of a very long tether.

My 3 daughters and one of my foster daughters live nearby, I have 8 birth and 3 foster grandchildren (two of my daughters foster) two more of my foster kids are planning to live locally too.

During my time as a foster career I completed an OU degree in sociology and psychology and later went to University to qualify as a Social Worker. I have spent my life working with families 😀

At 68 I am still working part-time as an OU lecturer, surrounded by my amazing children and grandchildren of whom I am so proud.

I am sharing this to show that adversity can make you stronger and history doesn’t need to repeat itself. I have never contributed to a forum like this before.
With every new life stage I have gone through, I can see what my mother has missed out on - ending her years as a bitter, acerbic old woman who has never been interested in any of her grandkids - even my siblings children.
Thanks for letting me share this.

Hello, I never contributed to a forum before, but after listening to Jeremy Vine today I felt I just had to.

My mother had four children she didn't want and didn't intend to care for.  My eldest brother was born during WW2 and her mother insisted that he was brought home.  She was always violent and derogatory towards him and that never changed.  It was always very clear to him that he ruined her life.

My sister was born 4 years later and she was the only one of us that Mother took any real interest in and was very proud of her.

In 1959 she married my father and in 1963 we moved away, but the eldest two continued to live with our grandparents.  In many ways they were the lucky ones, me and my younger brother were left entirely to her, whereas the older two had had neighbours and our grandparents to give them some support.  She bullied me physically and mentally all through my youth and I was terrified of her.  She constantly told me that I was worthless and would never make anything of myself.  Without any confidence I never learned how to relate to other people and have few friends because I just don't know how to talk to people.  I always feel that other people will despise me because I am so worthless.   I have never been able to feel good enough for anything in life and this has always held me back.  She always told me and my brother that she hadn't wanted us because she already had her own children and they had grown up much better than us because she had them to herself (my father and his family had no real interest in us) and it was a long time before I found out that she hadn't wanted them either.  I've always struggled with relationships and my last one was with someone who was looking for a victim to undermine and humiliate - I definitely fitted that bill!  Life with him was like living with her minus the violence.

My younger brother wasn't loved either, but he was smothered.  She told everyone that he had learning difficulties, which wasn't true - she just wouldn't let him grow up.  She taught him that he should have to do anything for himself and, in his fifties, he still can't cope with life.  She used to go into the shop where he worked to tell him off and criticise him.  When he had time off, she commandeered him and his car to go to visit family elsewhere, he never had a choice.  When she died he was the only one of us to cry for her.  I was just totally relieved that she was gone and the older two didn't have much to do with her anyway. 

I do feel better for writing it all down - perhaps I should have done it before.  I still feel very bitter and resentful towards her and can't forgive her for my brother's and my lost lives.