Author Topic: Welcome to our forum  (Read 8778 times)

Mitchell

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Re: Welcome to our forum
« Reply #60 on: June 07, 2017, 11:38:47 am »
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Welcome aboard Twinkletoes looking forward to sharing with you, I'm from Belfast and I have been trying to raise these issue for years


Mitch
« Last Edit: June 07, 2017, 11:41:14 am by Mitchell »

clare low

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Re: Welcome to our forum
« Reply #61 on: June 07, 2017, 02:02:45 pm »
I am so glad that you have found the forum and hope that you find it useful - we look forward to hearing your story when you are ready - Alyson

Chucky

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Re: Welcome to our forum
« Reply #62 on: June 10, 2017, 08:13:20 pm »
My sister got married and I used to love her so much but soon after her marriage she got used to please her husband and his family and become completely detached from me mentally and emotionally. But somehow I can't leave her and  continously thinks of her during my life struggle also I think how she would have coped up without losing temper but my sister who always used to follow me from childhood suddenly got the confidence that what she is doing is fine and she doesn't require my footsteps and she's not thinking about me at all. I want to be self satisfied just like her with what I am doing i don't want assurance from parents or sister about my steps

Mitchell

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Re: Welcome to our forum
« Reply #63 on: June 12, 2017, 06:11:15 pm »
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Hi Chucky

I'm sure your sister still loves as much as she always has, perhaps you could suggest a meeting on a regular basis, lets say lunch or something similar. A place so you can be on your own with her, a good idea wold be to ask how things are with her husband ( in a friendly manner not to arouse suspicion) she may not understand why you feel so hurt. And this does not mean she cares less for you its just her life has now changed and it would be natural for her to try and please his family. A regular meeting just the two of you once or twice a month perhaps?

Anyway Good Luck

Mitch   


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NoSleepTillBrooklyn

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Re: Welcome to our forum
« Reply #64 on: June 12, 2017, 08:40:30 pm »
Hello all.
I'm a new user, having heard a radio interview about this site last week. I almost had to pull my car over because what I was hearing brought up so many difficult feelings. I really need to get some things off my chest. I have an overbearing, controlling, difficult and criticising mother. I am 34 years old, and I have rarely known her to be any other way.
I am going to try to be succinct.   
From the earliest age, I knew she did not love me, or even want me. She was more affectionate and caring towards my younger brothers, but even at that there was very little affection or tenderness in our home, in general. When I was around 10, she made it perfectly clear that I was the reason she and my father had to marry, and that I ruined her life. From then until I was in my early '20s, she took every opportunity to tell me that being in a relationship with a man would result in me ending up with an unwanted child and the death of my ambitions. It was extremely difficult for me to be open with her about anything. I used to sneak around all the time, even after I left her house at 17. It happened twice that I was in a long-term relationship, and she only found out over a year after it started. Then she would create a huge scene because I was "keeping secrets" and excluding her. Over time, I visited my parents less and less often, but maintained contact by telephone. Then I emigrated, living in two different countries in the space of 4 years. During this time, my brothers were also living overseas. I started to pity her, because she has no friends - I mean literally not one - so any time I was back in the country, I would visit her. Then I got married and moved back to the country permanently. For financial reasons, my husband and I ended up living quite near to my parents. Now I have to see her almost every weekend. She still tries to control the minutest aspect of my life, from what colour I paint a room, to how I organise my time. I try so hard to be patient, but I notice a pattern now - I go easy on her, because I pity her, but that frustration ends up being taken out on my lovely husband. He tries to be supportive, but he had a very different childhood and has an immeasurably  better relationship with his own mother.
Aside from telling a young child that she wasn't wanted, my mother never ever encouraged me and took every opportunity to criticise. From as early as I can remember, I was yelled at for absolutely everything you can imagine: for making a slight noise when I spit my toothpaste in the sink, for having bad handwriting (when I actually won a calligraphy contest), for practicing new piano pieces ("Play something you are able to play!"), for the pitch of my laugh ... it goes on and on and on.
I was ten years old the first time she spoke kindly to me. It was a once-off. She has never once told me that she loves me.
She also failed to protect me from an abuser, who she and my father allowed into our home. I have never spoken about this with anyone in the family. It is the worst of all the ways in which she neglected me.
As a teenager, I was very depressed and suicidal. I was bullied mercilessly at school, and I would cry and beg not to go in every Monday morning. But she and my father just told me to ignore the bullies. They never even approached the school or tried to do a thing about it. I brought this up with both of my parents last year, and they had the face to lie and tell me that I never told them what was going on at the time. How could anyone see their teen sobbing at breakfast and coming home with red eyes, and pretend not to know something was wrong?
As I already mentioned, I left her house at 17. I put myself through university and am a high academic achiever. I am the first in my entire, extended family to get a university degree. I speak four languages and I've worked in some very good, well-paid jobs in several countries. But still, she can't let me have my achievements. When I completed my PhD, she did not say 'congratulations'. Instead, she said "I'm claiming half of this." Somehow, she has conveniently forgotten that I worked two jobs to support myself through uni, and that instead of encouraging me, she used to regularly demand that I "grow up", start working full-time and get a mortgage.
Now she has a grandson, by my brother. She worships this child and is a very nice grandmother to him. I think she knows she was a horrid mother and wants to compensate. But her horrible behaviour, and my sad memories, make it very difficult for me to imagine myself as a mother. I am very fond of children and my husband really wants to be a father, but I am terrified that I will "parent the way I was parented". I inherited some of her personality traits, especially the tendency to criticism - it would devastate me to repeat her horrible mistakes and destroy another person's happiness.   
I regularly fantasise about telling her everything. I fantasise about making her feel the agony of the truth, of cutting her out of my life and never looking back. But there are others in the family who I do want in my life, and I know I will lose them too. I just need to find a way to stay sane, and not letting her ruin my marriage the way she ruined every other stage in my life.
My father is a whole other story. He never withheld affection from me, but he is a very heavy drinker and he was physically abusive with me several times when I was pre-teen. I will save that for another day.
Thank you for providing a safe place where I can get some of this off my chest.

clare low

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Re: Welcome to our forum
« Reply #65 on: June 14, 2017, 09:50:51 am »
Hi No Sleep...
I am so glad that you have found our forum and I do hope that you find it supportive and helpful. Especially after everything that you have been through and are still having to manage. Despite what you endured as a young person you have been amazing to achieve so much for yourself - it is a real tribute to your character and self-determination not to allow your mother to totally dominate you. I really do hope that you can take courage from this and consider that you would bring the same skills to loving your own children when you feel ready to. Do look at our 'How To Avoid Becoming a Horrid Parent' page on the website.
Very best - Alyson

clare low

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Re: Welcome to our forum
« Reply #66 on: June 14, 2017, 09:55:39 am »
Hi Chucky,

Thank you so much for joining our forum. It does sound like you miss your sister a lot. It is a good idea to try and meet up with her when you can. It also sounds like you are asking for ideas about building up your own self confidence. You might find this blog helpful?
http://www.myhorridparent.com/add-new-post-here/2017/2/22/building-self-confidence

I really wish you well - Alyson

aikmanmosquito

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Re: Welcome to our forum
« Reply #67 on: June 22, 2017, 04:26:50 pm »
I have been looking for somewhere like this site for most of my life! I am 50 this year and eleven weeks ago my father died! When I was notified by my sister that he was dying I felt nothing, and I felt nothing while watching him slowly ebb away in the hospice! My emotional ties to my father died the day of my 18th birthday when I caught him in the arms of a girlfriend! My mother ran this girl in to the ground calling her all sorts of names! my reply was lost on her! She may have been what my mother was calling her (the girlfriend) but he was my father! and what sort of father does that to a son on his birthday?
The sort of father who tries to run his wife's car off the road with his two young children in it because she's caught him with his latest woman! the sort of father who appears at your grandparents with a tale of your beloved family pet having been run over, when years later you find the truth that he'd near enough battered the dog to death because it ate his dinner! The same father who'd physically and mentally abused me from the age of two because he enjoyed bullying those weaker than him!!
My entire childhood can be summed up in two words because of him! Fear and unhappiness! I have so much I want to say! so many memories and I feel I need to write it down.

Mitchell

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Re: Welcome to our forum
« Reply #68 on: June 23, 2017, 10:55:52 am »
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Hi to all the newbies

your stories sound so familiar, in my case my mother was manipulative, controlling, large ego, suffered extreme mood swings and so on. It turns out she probably suffered from Borderline Personality Disorder. It took me years to find this out and when I consulted the doctors they agreed that is also what they thought.

Problem is most people with this disorder are not aware how their behaviors affect others and were only defined in the 1920's they are complex difficult to diagnose. Most of psychiatry do not go near this area. ( a psychiatrist once told me they were bottom of his list)

My mother would never accepted she had this type of disorder she would tag it back on to me (classic BPD reaction) Luckily I found "www.bpdcenteral.com" this site helped me understand what I was dealing with and the support from others was huge.

Now in the UK we have this wonderful site which offers excellent advice on how to look after yourself and deals with all these issues and more. For me finding a disorder which seemed to fit was the first thing that helped me. Once I found BPD I was able to lift the FOG ( fear obligation and guilt)  the problem is I could be mis- diagnosing my mother we'll never know as my mother has passed away and she was in DENIAL anyway but at least it helped me   

I have found over the years sites like this help writing about it to others who understand is very good therapy and keeps you focused

Best Wishes

Mitchell
 :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'(     

clare low

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Re: Welcome to our forum
« Reply #69 on: June 25, 2017, 02:01:06 pm »
I am very glad that you have found the website and I do hope that you find it helpful, and the forum supportive. You have been through such a lot in your life with your father - I am so sorry to hear this.
Best wishes - Alyson

Mitchell

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Re: Welcome to our forum
« Reply #70 on: June 27, 2017, 04:37:48 pm »
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At last  in the Daily Mail yesterday :-
 
Soon afterwards Diana went to London. As she said: 'All the analysts and psychiatrists you could ever dream of came plodding in trying to sort me out.' But eating disorders were very poorly understood in the early Eighties and treatment very hit and miss.
It is not much better today — but at least it's now known how serious these conditions are.
Without treatment, up to 20 per cent of sufferers die from them and the continual vomiting characteristic of bulimia causes all sorts of internal damage.
The conditions often go hand in hand with other psychiatric disorders, and judging by the behaviour that so many people reported over the years, Diana's almost certainly did too.

Several experts have suggested Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) or, as it is now often called, Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder (EUPD).
Medical science still doesn't have all the answers to mental health problems but 30 years ago doctors were at even more of a loss, and BPD is notoriously difficult to treat.
Minor personality disorders are common — they are seen in people who crave attention or adoration, and such people often find their way into politics or onto the stage without anyone ever knowing there is an abnormality.
But as severe disorders take their toll on the psychiatrists who attempt to treat those suffering from them, one can only imagine how much harder it is for the relatives who attempt to care for and support the sufferers, partly because the symptoms are only displayed in private.
One of the friends Diana was closest to at the end of her life observed: 'She is like someone who has her nose pressed to the glass looking at the world outside, but never feeling that she is a part of it. She can't emotionally, psychologically cope with it.'
Diana's condition was undoubtedly complex, but it's been hard for the public to accept because it was only really seen by the people who lived and worked with her.
To the outside world, Diana was simply a beautiful, caring princess


Diana was a very complex person whom I always thought she had a PD or something very similar, why did I think this easy her ego was very similar to my mothers, she had an eating disorder,self-harmed, had relationship difficulties and tried to commit suicide on at least one occasion. It was after I read she cut herself with glass on purpose and already knowing she had a eating disorder. I began to realize she was very similar to my mother.   

Hope this will eventually open this up, there are over 3,000,000 family members in the UK who need support!

Good Luck To All

Mitchell
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Mitchell

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Re: Welcome to our forum
« Reply #71 on: July 07, 2017, 05:00:09 pm »
Hi Folks

Thought I'd send again and hopefully start chat on this, I've read email comments in the Daily Mail & Guardian which shock me and show what little is known about those close to someone in DENIAL our services are geared to those who are diagnosed or accept they have a problem. Their is little very little for significant others and there is documentation out there showing that the significant others can be damaged by what they have to deal with on their own!

If Charles & Diana were unable to get the proper help what chance do we have????   

The Duchess: The Untold Story by Penny Junor – digested read ...
https://www.theguardian.com › Arts › Books › Camilla, Duchess of Cornwall
5 days ago - The Duchess: The Untold Story by Penny Junor – digested read ... by Penny Junor digested read - Camilla duchess of cornwall kissing Charles.

Did Britain's most hated woman SAVE the monarchy? Biographer PENNY JUNOR says Camilla is far from being the mistress who destroyed the Royal Family - and is actually their salvation

 Camilla, her true story: Her love affair with Prince Charles. ..... Several experts have suggested Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) or, as it is .... Adapted from The Duchess: TheUntold Story by Penny Junor, published by ...


Diana in Search of Herself - Wikipedia
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Diana_in_Search_of_Herself
Diana in Search of Herself: Portrait of a Troubled Princess is one of the books about Princess Diana that was written by best-selling author Sally Bedell Smith

From early on in their marriage I always new Diana would have been a nightmare behind closed doors, eating disorder, threw tantrums, always tried to out-do Charles when he had a function were he would be in the press Diana would also try to use the press to her advantage, self-harmed (cut herself with glass) and at the end everyone could see the relationship difficulties. She was the peoples Princess but also had her flaws which came out behind the scene Both needed help!

enter Princess Diana had borderline personality disorder on Google it will bring up an article on Diana which I like because it shows her in a good light

I draw attention to Diana’s BPD because she is a fantastic example of how brilliant a Borderline can be. By most accounts, she single handedly changed the world’s understanding and attitude towards AIDS, bulimia and land mines.
Yet sadly she did not live in a time that could offer her BPD the recognition, understanding and treatment she needed and deserved. Diana did not have to suffer the way she did in her life – none of us do.
This is what I would like to think about my mother, we must reduce the stigma and at the time point out the problems
Already this book has drawn a lot of controversy with many calling it lies, we must turn the general public and at the same time show how bad it can be a times.

Hopefully this will open things up prior 2000/001  BPD was written into the Mental Health Order in the UK as ontreatable after this date this clause has been removed & some services have begun but only cater for those few who come forward for help they don't touch those in DENIAL and according to RCP (Royal College Of Psychiatrists) from a survey in 2006 1 in 20  in the UK may have a PD
When are we going collect figures to see if there is any links to this and domestic abuse etc.


Mitch
« Last Edit: July 07, 2017, 05:05:17 pm by Mitchell »

Annie

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Re: Welcome to our forum
« Reply #72 on: July 20, 2017, 10:03:36 am »
I recently looked up BPD and it was my mother! What a revelation. I sent the article to my siblings and they agreed. What has helped is to recognise a mental health condition as her issue and not just plain nastiness. She is 87 and very fit and we realise that we will have to deal with her for many years yet. Presently we are trying to find hand holds which will support us for the future. I am just off to visit her for a few days. It means I have to return to the family house.....place of so many bad memories and where my mother rules supreme. Ie please don't go to the toilet during the night you know it will wake me up! I've still can't get out the stain on the carpet where you spilt your coffee. My eczema is rampant..........any suggestions as to how I survive?

clare low

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Re: Welcome to our forum
« Reply #73 on: July 20, 2017, 02:36:08 pm »
Hi Annie,

I am glad that you have found our forum. It sounds like it has been a huge help for you to understand that your mother's behaviour is probably part of her personality. It helps because you and your siblings can be a bit objective about some of her behaviour and not take her unkind comments personally. There are plenty of ways in which you can prepare yourself for your visit. Firstly keep it as brief as possible. Expect that there will be some unpleasantness. Stay calm and plan some diversions for those tricky times. These can include needing to run to the loo (not at night!), to answer your mobile, to offer to make her a drink etc. As your siblings sound sympathetic perhaps you could think about having a mini de-brief with one of them each day? Even offloading by text can help. Bolster yourself with all the support and encouragement you can get, remember it is not your fault, be kind to yourself and behave as well as you possibly can.

You will find some more suggestions on the website. Good luck!

 Alyson

Mitchell

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Re: Welcome to our forum
« Reply #74 on: July 21, 2017, 01:01:11 pm »
 ??? ??? ??? ??? ??? ??? ??? ??? ??? ???

Annie always remember it takes a professional to diagnose,  these disorders are complected but the problems is in the UK there is very little help for those who live with a disordered person and no information, only this site. Outside the UK there are other sites such as www.bpdcentral.com which will help you understand and learn www.BPDFamily.com this has a forum to talk with others like yourself.

Check out the Royal College of Psychiatry on google enter personality disorders in the search box and it will bring up a ton of info it wall also tell you it affects 1 in 20 well over 3,000,000 people in the UK, the problem is it was only defined in the 1920's still very new to psychiatry and there is conflict as to what it is IE real or imagined I firmly believe it is a brain disorder

Your mother probably has no insight to her behaviors and points the finger at everyone else, their tantrums, re-writing history, mood swings and manipulation etc are hard to put up with and usually they also have additions, phobia's or eating disorders as well. She will be adept at pitting one family member against an other and never understand what she is doing
It will be hard for all your family to take this on board but you must learn.Your mother at her age will never understand or change you could try but its probably not worth it instead you will need to work around her read as much as possible, I will post some more info for all to read Remember the 3 C's I didn't cause it x I can't cure it & I can't change it.
There is much to learn 1) some times you need to break all contact 2) limited contact 3) do not allow yourself to get involved in the arguments walk away even if it is only into another room this can change the dynamics of the situation and after a short while you can continue as normal.
I will put some info on a post for all to read but remember don't jump to conclusions it does need a professional sadly there are not enough in the UK
   
« Last Edit: July 21, 2017, 01:03:08 pm by Mitchell »