Are You In A Relationship With Someone Who Has "Borderline Personality Disorder"
Do you feel like you have to tiptoe around your loved one, watching every little thing you say or do for fear of setting them off?
Do you often hide what you think or feel in order to avoid fights and hurt feelings?
Does your loved one shift almost instantaneously between emotional extremes (e.g. calm one moment, raging the next, then suddenly despondent?) Are these rapid mood swings unpredictable and seemingly irrational?
Does your loved one tend to view you as all good of bad, with no middle ground? For example, either you're "perfect" and the only one they can count on or you're "selfish" and "unfeeling" and never truly loved them.
Do you feel like you can't win, that anything you say or do will be twisted and used against you?
Does it feel as if your loved one's expectations are constantly changing, so you're never sure how to keep the peace?
Is everything always your fault?
Do you feel constantly criticized and blamed for things that don't even make sense?
Does the person accuse you of doing and saying things you never did?
Do you feel misunderstood whenever you try to explain or reassure your partner?
Do you feel manipulated by fear, guilt, or outrageous behavior?
Does your loved one make threats, fly into violent rages, make overly dramatic declarations, or do dangerous things when they think you're unhappy or may leave?
If you answer "yes" to most of these questions, your partner or family member might have borderline personality disorder.
"Example" :-
Pass the butter – BPD and families
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“I never cry, I’m usually a very positive, upbeat person and quite strong. But this broke me. It totally consumed me.” Isabella Jones’ daughter Amelia* was diagnosed as having a borderline personality disorder two years ago, but it wasn’t until recently that she learnt how to cope and more importantly, how to live, with her daughter’s illness.
One of the hardest things for the families and loved ones of someone affected by a personality disorder is that they don’t understand what’s happening and often cannot cope. Above all they struggle to communicate and, as ValeriePorr, author of Overcoming Borderline Personality Disorder, A Family Guide for Healing and Change, and President of TARA (Teaching Treatment and Research Advancements Association for personality disorder), says “they often say the wrong things for the right reasons.”
“A classic example of what happens” Valerie explains “is you are all sitting around the dinner table and you say to the person with borderline ‘pass the butter’ and they respond with something like ‘why are you picking on me!? I’m not a maid, why don’t you ask him to pass it?’” As a result the family is stunned and thinks ‘where did that come from!?’ and often an argument starts.
Does someone close to you suffer from borderline personality disorder (BPD)? If so, you already know that BPD not only affects those with the diagnosis—it affects everyone who cares about them. People with BPD have difficulty regulating their emotions and behavior and that can take a heavy toll on their partners, family members, and friends. But there’s hope, both for the person with BPD and for you. You can’t force someone to get treatment for BPD, but you can take steps to improve communication, set healthy boundaries, and stabilize the relationship.
People with borderline personality disorder (BPD) tend to have major difficulties with relationships, especially with those closest to them. The wild mood swings, angry outbursts, chronic abandonment fears, and impulsive and irrational behaviors can leave loved ones feeling helpless, abused, and off balance. Partners and family members of people with BPD often say it’s like being on an emotional roller coaster with no end in sight. You may feel like you’re at the mercy of your loved one’s BPD symptoms—trapped unless you leave the relationship or the person takes steps to get better. But you have more power than you think.
You can change the relationship by managing your own reactions, establishing firm limits, and improving communication between the two of you. There’s no magic cure but with the right treatment and support, many people with BPD can and do get better and their relationships can become more stable and rewarding. In fact, patients with the most support and stability at home tend to get better sooner than those whose relationships are more chaotic and insecure. Whether it’s your partner, parent, child, sibling, friend, or other loved one, you can improve both the relationship and your own quality of life, even if the person with BPD isn’t ready to acknowledge the problem or seek treatment
If your loved one has borderline personality disorder, it’s important to recognize that he or she is suffering. The destructive and hurtful behaviors are a reaction to deep emotional pain. In other words, they’re not about you. When your loved one does or says something hurtful towards you, understand that the behavior is motivated by the desire to stop the pain he or she is experiencing; it’s rarely deliberate.
Learning about BPD won’t automatically solve your relationship problems, but it will help you understand what you’re dealing with and handle difficulties in more constructive ways.
When a family member or partner has borderline personality disorder, it’s all too easy to get caught up in heroic efforts to please and appease him or her. You may find yourself putting most of your energy into the person with BPD at the expense of your own emotional needs. But this is a recipe for resentment, depression, burnout, and even physical illness. You can’t help someone else or enjoy sustainable, satisfying relationships when you’re run down and overwhelmed by stress. As in the event of an in-flight emergency, you must “put on your own oxygen mask first.”
Avoid the temptation to isolate. Make it a priority to stay in touch with family and friends who make you feel good. You need the support of people who will listen to you, make you feel cared for, and offer reality checks when needed.
You’re allowed (and encouraged) to have a life! Give yourself permission to have a life outside of your relationship with the person with BPD. It’s not selfish to carve out time for yourself to relax and have fun. In fact, when you return to your BPD relationship, you’ll both benefit from your improved perspective.
Join a support group for BPD family members. Meeting with others who understand what you’re going through can go a long way. If you can’t find an in-person support group in your area, you may want to consider joining an online BPD community.
Don’t neglect your physical health. Eating right, exercising, and getting quality sleep can easily fall by the wayside when you’re caught up in relationship drama. Try to avoid this pitfall. When you’re healthy and well rested, you’re better able to handle stress and control your own emotions and behaviors.
Learn to manage stress. Getting anxious or upset in response to problem behavior will only increase your loved one’s anger or agitation. By practicing with sensory input, you can learn to relieve stress as it’s happening and stay calm and relaxed when the pressure builds.'
Many friends or family members often feel guilty and blame themselves for the destructive behavior of the borderline person. You may question what you did to make the person so angry, think you did something to deserve the abuse, or feel responsible for any failure or relapse in treatment. But it’s important to remember that you’re not responsible for another person. The person with BPD is responsible for his or her own actions and behaviors.
The 3 C's are:
I didn't cause it.
I can't cure it.
I can't control it.
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