Author Topic: Welcome to our forum  (Read 8774 times)

clare low

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Welcome to our forum
« on: March 16, 2017, 05:50:12 pm »
Welcome to our forum. We hope that this will be a safe and comforting place for you to share your experiences with your difficult parent.
Please go ahead and tell your stories.

sashaahuja

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Re: Welcome to our forum
« Reply #1 on: March 16, 2017, 05:57:58 pm »
Thank you for welcoming me this forum.
« Last Edit: March 16, 2017, 05:58:52 pm by clare low »

Mitchell

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Re: Welcome to our forum
« Reply #2 on: March 18, 2017, 11:12:40 am »
 ??? ??? ??? ??? ???

Hi Clare

I'm not sure what I'm doing....thought I'd sent a post but it seems to have disappeared???

Is it because I'd forgotten to check subject box

from a complete idiot

Mithcell

 

Bree narran

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Re: Welcome to our forum
« Reply #3 on: March 18, 2017, 10:22:29 pm »
Hello just joined up and hope to be able to share here at some point

Mitchell

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Re: Welcome to our forum
« Reply #4 on: March 20, 2017, 04:53:07 pm »
 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

Hi Folks

My name is Mitchell my mother was a total nightmare all my life & in my later years I discovered she probably suffered from BPD (borderline personality disorder) >She died 12 years ago but the memories still linger I hope to able to input on this board, I've been on others boards for over 15 years so I have a lot of knowledge in this area. I had over 50 years of being told what a failure I was.

Remember never get involved in the arguments always walk away from them.


Regards to all


Mitch

 :o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o

MJ

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Re: Welcome to our forum
« Reply #5 on: March 21, 2017, 03:17:26 pm »
Hello,

Thank you for the invitation to this forum.  I originally wrote "my story" as a post to Angela and Alyson expecting that it would help, which it did, but it did trigger other memories and the fears that I had of my narcissistic, possibly BPD mother.  I could repost here but I'm concerned it would be too long.  I've been estranged from my parents for about 10 years by choice, although I was disowned for many years before including most of my adult life.  It has taken me years to understand that it is not me.  I have good relationships with many people-- other relatives, long term friends, colleagues, neighbors.  I'm hoping that sharing our stories and insights can help us all to feel better. 

Thanks,
MJ

MJ

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Re: Welcome to our forum
« Reply #6 on: March 21, 2017, 03:59:30 pm »
Also, I tried to post on the Mother's Day thread, but didn't seem like an option.

Mitchell

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Re: Welcome to our forum
« Reply #7 on: March 21, 2017, 04:21:53 pm »
 :o :o :o :o :o :o :o

Hi MJ,

my mother was undiagnosed BPD and my aunt was schizoid when I found something that fitted I asked my GP's they both agreed this is what they also thought. Its great this website is open so people can talk and learn. I've been on bpdcentral.com & BPDFamily for many years talking with others.
BPDFamily & bpdcentral have good information on how to look after yourself. I will post more in the near future on coping etc. Talking does help it is an excellent therapy for people in our situation, alcoholics have the AA and their close relations have Al-anon we very much need this board and perhaps something similar to Al-anon. This effects 1 in 20 in the UK, then there are other reasons as in alcoholism, other mental health issues and people with high conflict personalities

Best Wishes for now

Mitch

Mitchell

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Re: Welcome to our forum
« Reply #8 on: March 21, 2017, 04:47:14 pm »
The Office for National Statistics was supported by a grant from the Department of Health.
Received September 13, 2004.
Revision received June 21, 2005.
Accepted June 27, 2005.
© 2006 Royal College of Psychiatrists

Approximately 1 in 20 community residents in Britain have a personality disorder.
Certain demographic subgroups have an especially high prevalence of personality disorders.
The number of people with cluster B personality disorders who have been in care in childhood and are at greater risk of entering the criminal justice system indicates a need for preventive interventions.

The above shows these disorders are very common but it varies from barely noticeable to extreme they are complex and often underdiagnosed or misdiagnosed and there isn't enough information on the subject meaning there are very few places for people to find advice.

Here are a couple of stories showing it can effect every part of society:-

Sarah Haufrect - Salon.com
www.salon.com/writer/sarah_haufrect
28 Feb 2016 - Having a borderline parent is like living beside Mt. Vesuvius. It took me years to begin to understand her illness. Sarah Haufrect Sunday, Feb


We Bruise Easily: Princess Diana had Borderline Personality Disorder
borderlineandbrilliant.blogspot.com/2013/08/princess-diana-had-borderline.html
29 Aug 2013 - I've been meaning to write this blog for a while, as there are so many sceptics regardingDiana's BPD. Whenever someone raises doubt that

But before we even look at the evidence, first we must wipe the slate clean of the idea that attributing this personality disorder to Princess Diana is in any way derogatory. Stigma 101 associates shame with all types of mental illness and BPD is one of the most maligned conditions in the field of mental health so it’s important to spell this out.


I like the above article because it shows Diana in good light and I think helps reduce stigma.



Mitch

merionvw

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Re: Welcome to our forum
« Reply #9 on: March 21, 2017, 05:09:32 pm »
So the welcome said share your story. Here it is: Please forgive the scene setting preamble necessary for the 1 line query at the end!. My Mother and Father fought every night for years - shouting screaming and occasionally violent. When they moved to make a new start yet again both my brother and I decided to not go with them. I was 15. I worked saturdays and holidays to keep myself at school and to pay for a room in a young couples horrible flat with 2 babies. My Mother eventually got a court order on my father who was suddenly forced into a hostel at age about 67. She stayed in their council house. Fast forwarding my father died in poverty at 71. By then I had worked my way through a levels and uni and achieved an upper second maths degree. I got a well paid job and married someone equally well paid. My mother had always been difficult and i was frightened of her. But when I had children she became a good grandmother to my twins - someone i had never seen. She also married a man with a lovely house she coveted and refused to marry him unless he signed over his house to her in his will - despite it being intended for his granddaughter. She got her way and then proceeded to encourage him to drink despite his serious heart problems and he inevitably died of a heart attack. As my mother aged i frequently did the 2 hour journey to visit and help. when she got macular degeneration it was me who was up and down to take her to hospital and to plan her life - home groceries that kind of thing. This was all while still holding down a serious job and with 2 (now older) children of my own. My brother followed a different path - he had already done his a levels while living with my parents but never studied for them. he did not go to university instead choosing to cut grass. he eventually did decide to do open university and became a well paid solicitor. However he was dreadful with his money. he always borrowed off me and i never got it back. he spent the few hundred pounds my father left for his funeral on himself and so i paid for everything. Despite this he sent his children to private school while mine went to the local!! He gave a deceitful sob story to my grandmother so that she left him her house thinking he would go to live their to get away from his wife. he sold it and spent the lot. he tried the same with an old lady he met through surveying until the police were called in by her family and i had to get a solicitor to get him out of custody. he lost his job but got another. he then pulled the same trick on my mother - who has always been his favourite - buying LPs for him while he was at home while i had to work to pay my bus fairs to school. My mother had always said that she would leave her house to us equally but eventually i found out , after years and years of visiting, helping her out on every level that she had left it only to him. i was distraught as this to me seemed proof that she was using me and massively favouring him and proof that she did not love me. when she was i was so upset she said she would reverse the will. 2 years later i found out that she had intentionally not done so and was now therefore even more upset that she had deceived me again wile letting me go on doing everything. I was so upset that i decided I should step back from the whole situation and not see her anymore. That was about 5 years ago and i have visited only about twice since (she is in a home where she is very happy). I simply could not stand how upset I got every time i saw her - it would go on for weeks and weeks. It is not that simple of course as I am racked with guilt and more importantly am not sure how i will fell when she dies (she is still in good health but over 90). People say that I will never forgive myself for not being with her in these years. I worry that my daughters will not forgive me either - but they do not know what i went through all those years and the recent lies and deceit. I do not know whether to put myself through agony by restarting visits or whether to stay away - although i have to say that to a lesser extent I am still churned up about it when i think about it. What should i do?

clare low

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Re: Welcome to our forum
« Reply #10 on: March 22, 2017, 11:01:31 am »
What a very sad story - I am so sorry to hear what you have been through. It sounds like what ever you do will feel complicated and painful. You might find some helpful ideas on our website. It is important for you to look after yourself and your family above all. It also sounds as though you have made a great success of your life with your own family and your career so you have overcome a lot of difficulties already.

Mitchell

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Re: Welcome to our forum
« Reply #11 on: March 22, 2017, 11:22:16 am »
 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

Yep Merionvw

sounds very similar to my story all the arguments. You did right taking yourself away from a very toxic situation. Do not feel guilty one probably has BPD the other may have taken the easy path and been an enabler or both could have been personality disordered. As for making contact again remember to set good boundaries and do not get involved in any arguments. The person with BPD is responsible for his or her own actions and behaviors. The 3 C's are: I didn't cause it. I can't cure it. I can't control it.

A good book to read is "Stop Walking On Eggshells" and also "Understanding The Borderline Mother" both are excellent books on BPD

What ever you do I wish you luck

Take care

Mitch

Annie

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Re: Welcome to our forum
« Reply #12 on: March 22, 2017, 12:33:56 pm »
Another extremely good book to read is Difficult Mothers by Dr Terri Apter. I found it life changing as i learnt that the only person I could hope to change was myself..... I would never change my mother and it was hopeless to go on hoping for improvement. As a result I stopped going into child mode when with her and started behaving like the adult i was able to say no, able to stand up for myself and able to protect myself.

Mitchell

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Re: Welcome to our forum
« Reply #13 on: March 23, 2017, 01:33:28 pm »
 :o ::) ::) ::) ::) ::)
 
I think this poem fits:-

by Charles C. Finn, As read by Roscoe on WBAI, April 1967

Please don't be fooled by me. Don't be fooled by the face I wear, for I wear a mask. I wear a thousand masks, masks that I'm afraid to take off and none of them are me. Pretending is an art that is second nature to me, but don't be fooled, for God's sake don't be fooled.I give you the impression I'm secure and that all is sunny and unruffled with me, within as well as without, that confidence is my name, coolness my game, that water is calm and I'm in command and that I need no one, but don't believe me, please don't believe me My surface may be smooth, but my surface is a mask--my every varying and ever concealing mask. Beneath it dwells the real confusion, fear and aloneness. Beneath lies my smugness, my complacently, but I hide this--I don't want anyone to know it I panic at the thought of my weakness and fear being exposed. That's why I frantically created a mask to hide behind-- nonchalant sophisticated facades to help me pretend-- to shield me from the glance that knows-- but such a glance is precisely my salvation, my only salvation and I know it. That is if it's followed by acceptance. If it's followed by love, it's the only thing that can liberate me from myself, from my own self built prison walls and from the barriers that I so painstakingly erect. It's the only thing that will assure me of what I cannot assure myself, that I'm really worth while, but I don't tell you this, I don't dare--I'm afraid to. I'm afraid that your glance will not be followed by acceptance and love. I'm afraid you'll think less of me and you'll laugh and your laugh will kill me. I'm afraid that deep down, I'm nothing and that I'm just no good and that you'll see this and reject me. So I play my game; my desperate pretending; with the facade of assurance without and a trembling child within. And so begins the parade of masks, the glittering, but empty parade of masks and my life becomes a front. I idle chatter to you in suave tones of surface talk. I tell you everything that's really nothing and nothing of what's everything and what's crying within me. So when I'm through going through my routine, do not be fooled by what I'm saying. Please listen carefully and try to hear what I'm not saying--what I'd like to be able to say, but for survival I need to say, but what I can't say. I dislike hiding, honestly, I dislike the superficial game I'm playing, the superficial phony game. I'd really like to be genuine, spontaneous and me, but you've got to help me, you've got to hold out your hand, even when it's the last thing I seem to want or need. You can help wipe away from my eyes--the blank stare of grieving dead. You can help call me into aliveness each time you're kind, gentle and encouraging. Each time you try to understand because you really care, my heart begins to grow wings, very small wings, very feeble wings, but wings. If you choose to, please choose to. You can help break down the wall behind which I tremble. You can encourage me to remove my mask. You can help release me from my shadowed world of panic and uncertainty. From my lonely prison. So do not pass me by-- please don't pass me by. It will not be easy for you. A lone conviction of worthlessness builds strong walls. The nearer you approach me, the blinder I may strike back. It's irrational, but despite what books say about man, I am irrational, I fight against the very things that I cry out for, but I am told love is stronger than strong walls. In this lies my hope, my only hope, please help beat down those walls with firm hands, but with gentle hands--for a child is very sensitive. Who am I, you may wonder? I am someone you know very well. For I am every man you meet and I am every women you meet.

I believe the disordered persons self esteem is low that they build a mask unknown to their core self & with them normal rules don't apply.

Hope you all find this useful

Mitch

 

merionvw

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Re: Welcome to our forum
« Reply #14 on: March 23, 2017, 02:15:58 pm »
Gosh Mitch, some of that really got to me - not that I know what to do with it!