Dear arooj
sorry for a second email I was thinking about your situation and it is incredibly difficult. I was as caught as you are once many years ago when I was a lad (17) my father died I was left with my mother and nearby, my aunt. My mother was a very low functioning BPD and her sister my aunt was schizoid no other relatives. My mother and aunt hated each other in fact they never saw each other for 20 years until my aunt died and my mother did not even attend her funeral. I looked out for both of them over the years.
Back then I did not know what I was dealing with we had lived in a very middle class area after my fathers death we could not afford to live in this area and moved to a house in back streets where the paramilitaries were forming, so it was tough and I really don't know how I made it. I walked down a very dark road before meeting my partner Patricia, I was drinking heavily 2-3 bottles of whiskey, 20 plus pints and perhaps 6 bottles of wine a week, this is how I dealt with my problem. I met Pat when I was 34 and we're still together I'm now 67. It took me many years to curtail my drinking, nowadays I'm a very moderate drinker, one or two whiskey's and few bottles of beer at the weekend.
It takes a professional to diagnose a PD but if they tick the traits then there is a possibility and we can learn. It is thought they respond to certain triggers which operate primitive defense mechanisms as below:-
PD types are grouped into three categories:
Emotional and impulsive- borderline,histrionic & narcissistic
Anxious - avoidant, dependent & obsessive compulsive
Suspicious- pranoid, schizoid, schizotypal, & antisocial
Antisocial personality disorder- (ASPD) You may: • put yourself in dangerous or risky situations, often without considering the consequences for yourself or for other people • behave dangerously and sometimes illegally • behave in ways that are unpleasant for others • feel very easily bored and act on impulse – you may find it difficult to hold down a job for long • behave aggressively and get into fights easily • do things – even though they may hurt people – to get what you want, putting your needs above theirs • have a criminal record • feel no sense of guilt if you have mistreated others • believe that only the strongest survive and that you must do whatever it takes to lead a successful life because if you don’t grab opportunities, others will • have had a diagnosis of conduct disorder before the age of 15
Borderline personality disorder- (BPD) You may: • feel very worried about people abandoning you, and would do anything to stop that happening • have very intense emotions that last from a few hours to a few days and can change quickly (for example, from feeling very happy and confident in the morning to feeling low and sad in the afternoon) • not have a strong sense of who you are, and it can change depending on who you're with • find it very hard to make and keep stable relationships • act impulsively and do things that could harm you (such as binge eating, using drugs or driving dangerously) • have suicidal thoughts or self-harming behaviour • feel empty and lonely a lot of the time • get very angry, and struggle to control your anger. When very stressed, sometimes you might: • feel paranoid • have psychotic experiences, such as seeing or hearing things that other people don't • feel numb or 'checked out' and not remember things properly after they've happened
Narcissistic personality disorder- You may: • believe that there are special reasons that make you different, better or more deserving than others • have fragile self-esteem, so that you rely on others to recognise your worth and your needs • feel upset if others ignore you and don’t give you what you feel you deserve • resent other people’s successes • put your own needs above other people’s, and demand they do too • be seen as selfish and ‘above yourself’ • take advantage of other people.
People with these types of disorder can use defense mechanisms such as :
Defense Mechanisms
1. Denial
Denial is the refusal to accept reality or fact, acting as if a painful event, thought or feeling did not exist. It is considered one of the most primitive of the defense mechanisms because it is characteristic of early childhood development. Many people use denial in their everyday lives to avoid dealing with painful feelings or areas of their life they don’t wish to admit. For instance, a person who is a functioning alcoholic will often simply deny they have a drinking problem, pointing to how well they function in their job and relationships.
2. Acting-Out
Acting Out is performing an extreme behavior in order to express thoughts or feelings the person feels incapable of otherwise expressing. Instead of saying, “I’m angry with you,” a person who acts out may instead throw a book at the person, or punch a hole through a wall. When a person acts out, it can act as a pressure release, and often helps the individual feel calmer and peaceful once again. For instance, a child’s temper tantrum is a form of acting out when he or she doesn’t get his or her way with a parent. Self-injury may also be a form of acting-out, expressing in physical pain what one cannot stand to feel emotionally.
3. Dissociation
Dissociation is when a person loses track of time and/or person, and instead finds another representation of their self in order to continue in the moment. A person who dissociates often loses track of time or themselves and their usual thought processes and memories. People who have a history of any kind of childhood abuse often suffer from some form of dissociation. In extreme cases, dissociation can lead to a person believing they have multiple selves (“multiple personality disorder”). People who use dissociation often have a disconnected view of themselves in their world. Time and their own self-image may not flow continuously, as it does for most people. In this manner, a person who dissociates can “disconnect” from the real world for a time, and live in a different world that is not cluttered with thoughts, feelings or memories that are unbearable.
5. Projection
Projection is the mis-attribution of a person’s undesired thoughts, feelings or impulses onto another person who does not have those thoughts, feelings or impulses. Projection is used especially when the thoughts are considered unacceptable for the person to express, or they feel completely ill at ease with having them. For example, a spouse may be angry at their significant other for not listening, when in fact it is the angry spouse who does not listen. Projection is often the result of a lack of insight and acknowledgement of one’s own motivations and feelings.
Borderlines are also good at :
Gas-lighting :- Gas-lighting is a form of psychological manipulation that seeks to sow seeds of doubt in a targeted individual or in members of a targeted group, making them question their own memory, perception, and sanity.
Splitting- is a symptom of borderline personality disorder (BPD) I was unfamiliar with until recently despite having been diagnosed in 2015. Splitting is a coping defense mechanism people with BPD use to avoid rejection or being hurt. It means that someone is either good or they are bad.
One I especially like:-
http://outofthefog.website/movies/2015/12/8/the-wizard-of-ozThe Wizard of Oz is a 1944 movie starring Judy Garland which is sometimes used as a metaphor to describe the disconnect between the dissociated reality of the personality-disordered individual (Oz) and the real world experienced by the Non-PD (Kansas). The metaphor is based on the iconic phrase: "Toto - I've a feeling we're not in Kansas any more".
In the classic 1939 MGM Musical, "The Wizard of Oz", Dorothy (Judy Garland) a young girl from Kansas, is thrust by a tornado into the freakish world of Oz, populated by munchkins, wizards, witches, and flying monkeys. The movie chronicles her adventures as she searches for a way to get back to her home in Kansas.
Not in Kansas Any More
In an iconic scene, Dorothy emerges from the house carrying her dog Toto from the house which has just been transported by a violent tornado - or "twister" into the land of Oz. As she observes the strange new colors and textures of the new world, she utters the phrase: "Toto - I've a feeling we're not in Kansas anymore".
The phrase: "I've a feeling we're not in Kansas anymore" has developed into a popular cultural icon for any situation in which reality seems to take a back seat to a new order of freakish rules, people and events.
The phrase has also been adopted by a number of Chosen Non-PD's who identify with the feeling as they discover the strange dynamics of dissociation or a new dysfunctional relationship and begin to wonder about the wisdom of getting involved with a person who has a personality disorder. In this analogy, "Kansas" becomes synonymous with normal old situation they came from and "Oz" becomes synonymous with the crazy new world they are experiencing.
I hope some of this will help you must be strong do not let him win. You must be strong for your mother if you crash who will help her i will always do my best to answer any questions you may have.
By the way Sister Clare is on the net you'll find her at
http://vocationsdownandconnor.org/sr-clare-mahony/ this is truly a wonderful women she helped me many years ago and we are still friends today
May We All Heal
Michael
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