Arcadia Power

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My Difficult Parent / Re: Welcome to our forum
« Last post by Speedian on September 03, 2019, 09:31:57 am »
This is my first post here. I'm not sure I should do this here or not. I gotta say,  I'm both glad and disgusted that this site exists. The fact that it needs to exist at all is what bothers me.
The fact of having parents that bring you into this world for whatever personal reasons, and not really take that job seriously.
My name is Steve, and I've lived a painful life. My Dad was an alcoholic and an abuser to my Mother, would then turned around at continued the abuse towards her 3 sons. I'm the middle kid. My mom is a Jehovah's Witness and shoved that down our throats as kids. Everything had to go as she said or she'd start physically abusing us.  We had no way out of the situation and no one to turn to. Me and my Older Brother got the brunt of it though. If we were going to be late, she'd get violent, if we talked back.....even if warranted she'd get violent. I was especially targeted as I'd never really believed in what she did, and I'd constantly call it out when something didn't make sense, to which I'd get a slap across the face and told not to talk back. This happened so much that I tried to kill myself at the age of 12. I told my mom and she just laughed at me.

Growing up, it was more like we were extensions of my Mother and not the growing individuals that we were. She'd be worried more about her image in the congregation then the ridicule we would receive from school for being "Jo-hoes". My mother would constantly let me know how disappointed she was of me. One time I tried to let her know how she made me feel and that she was always negative towards me and said "You never actually encourage me to be better", to which she responded, "What's there to encourage?"  I was just awestruck, and reply "Exactly my point" and she repeated it like I was making her point, that there was nothing good to encourage about me. She would always tell me that I'm just going to be a janitor for the rest of my life and that I'm going to live with her in her basement. This was at 18.

When I was 14 my older brother raped me. Full penetration, all while he was laughing as he did it. I couldn't turn to anyone, cause it just so happened that HE was touched by an Older brother, stealing any chance of me being able to talk about it without coming off as me making stuff up for attention. That was a common theme in my house. I was always told I was making things up. My mom would constantly say things like "You're going to end up just like your father"  when I got a 69 on my math test or That I'm going to be just like your brother when I skipped school cause I was so overwhelmed with what was happening to me and no outlet to speak of.
What I did to cope was Books, Video Games, Movies, music, Philosophy, Mysticism, anything to help take me out of my headspace. I didn't even realize that's why I was doing it at the time, but I do know now as O suffer from severe depression and anxiety, and those outlets no longer help.

It's hard for me, still, to think about my needs other than feeling selfish for some reason. Especially when I don't even know what I need at this point. I'm 34 now, and my life has derailed to the point where I don't know up from down anymore. I moved to the other side of the country to get away from there. If I was encouraged of anything growing up, it was to keep quiet and shut up. Don't make a fuss. And now as an adult, I'm lost on what "self-care" actually means for me.......let alone, what it means generally. All I know is that I want to get better....... that I want to BE better. I know it is in me, I know that because I've had glimpses of it. Just enough to make me think I'm crazy, or have delusions of grandeur. My mother's voice is still in my head, and I can't stop it. It's hard for me to hear my voice in my head over the noise of other voices. I just can seem to calm my mind, or at least do something that has some positive effect. I can feel my spirit slipping and I'm getting to the point of giving up......but I'm a fighter. And I'll keep fighting even if it scares me.....or probably kill me.

It's really hard to have no one in your life that has a positive influence on your life. Like a real friend and confidante. I have a friend that is kind of like that, although for guys.....being emotional is rather uncomfortable. I don't like it cause I don't understand them. Sure, I think they are necessary but for me, my emotion up to a point has been in check.....or maybe that's why because I buried it all and now it's just like a pot boiling over. I'm at a point in my life, and maybe that due to my illness that I don't have any motivation to help ME. I don't know what to do, other than what I'm doing, which is going to the doctor.....take meds......rinse and repeat. Still, though, I feel like I'm just one bad day away from doing something awful to myself and that scares the **** outta me.....which is probably a good thing. I'm always worried for those bad stars to align in my mind that will give me the push I need to follow through and yet I still stand.....so that's what counts right?

Honestly, I could write a book about my experiences but, I'm not going to do that here. I feel like this is overly long anyway. So I'll leave it there. Thanks to all that read my story and if it helps in some way, thats great.

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My Difficult Parent / Re: Welcome to our forum
« Last post by guest270 on August 20, 2019, 11:45:21 pm »
My mother is Jewish - supposedly Orthodox - and recently I sent a dossier of all the abuse I'd suffered  (incest, a ****, and 10 or more indecent assaults) to the Jewish authorities in northern England (where I'm from), but they couldn't care less. If I get angry or emotional, then I'm being "abusive", but it's seemingly  fine for others like my mother to email me with curses.
Friends just won't accept that the psychological abuse feels like emotional torture; in their eyes, she's my mother, she gave birth to me, I shouldn't be so unreasonable, I need to forgive her.
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My Difficult Parent / Re: Welcome to our forum
« Last post by guest270 on August 20, 2019, 11:35:38 pm »
Hi, new to these forums and slightly concerned in case my family get to see my posts somehow.

The issue is a hysterical and psychologically abusive mother who refuses to accept any responsibility. A few years ago, I disclosed that the son of a neighbour raped me at the age  of 15.  My mother responded by telling me yo go to hell and saying she wished she'd drowned me at birth. We cut off contact for about 4 years, then she got back in touch and we met and I nearly went mad from the feelings of being psychologically tormented by her.  Eventually, I cut off contact with her again and she turned nasty and sent menacing emails in full CAPs saying I was a curse on the family, etc, etc. Recently, she contacted me again, acting as if nothing had happened, and it's left me agitated and distressed. I just want her to leave me alone, but friends are putting pressure on me to be reconciled, even though they know she's abusive.
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Guilt / Re: Guilt
« Last post by Freefromitall on August 20, 2019, 02:13:34 pm »
 Guilt is what keeps me from living my daily life to the fullest. I am no contact right now from a mother who has borderline personality disorder and a passive father. My health is being affected by this and my brain tells me not to feel guilty but my insides are a mess. I know thereís no way to fix this situation as she is not going to change. And I have tried different strategies it donít seem to work. Talking about this with her will just spiral into a big mess. It will be all my fault. Iíve never been able to talk to her about my feelings about her which has made me very bitter over the years. Beyond frustrated and exhausted
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Inconsistent Horrid Parents / Re: Is your horrid parent inconsistent?
« Last post by Freefromitall on August 20, 2019, 02:10:13 pm »
 It is exhausting and has led to some health issues for me. I am currently no contact with my mom and dad even though they keep sending me emails and a phone call or two to guilt me into getting back to them. I am exhausted from the guilt.  I realize that the manipulation is happening to make me respond and they will not respond but Iíve got to get rid of the guilt. Itís helpful to know that other people are experiencing this too. I feel like Iím a good person otherwise but feel like a bad person when it comes to my parents. Iím sure people wouldnít understand who are experiencing something like this.
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Overpowering mothers / Re: Overpowering mothers
« Last post by Karla on July 13, 2019, 05:06:41 am »
My mom was a strange person.
She always yells at me for being dumb, having no common sense, and being lazy. Oh and she constantly berates my appearance too. The odd thing is she still spends a lot of money on me like paying for my tuition, personal trainer (she wants me to look thin and beautiful so that I can get married to ďsmart,rich and decent guysĒ, superficial, I know), buying me lots of stuff, however theyíre not always with my permission (especially clothes), and when I told her that she shouldnít waste her money and she should just ask me what I like, she ended up calling me an ungrateful ****.
I tried to help her with chores but nothing I did satisfies her.  She has a weird definition of cleanliness you know. Our family cleans our house at least twice a day. From then I decided to only do as Iím told, and in return she criticized me for being lazy. She says mean things about me all day, every day, even when sheís happy. This sometimes make me question whether she was ever wrong about me, and if Iím truly the arrogant and entitled **** sheís been criticizing over the past decade.
And then there comes other relationships. She hates my friends because theyíre not ďworthyĒ enough to hang out with me, yet criticizes me when I have no friends in college. The same goes for my job. As a college student I know part time jobs wonít get me much money but in return I get to meet new people, gain experience (and frankly, I donít want to stay home with her).
She has a tendency to call me a ****, ****, hag (iím still a virgin btw, the irony) for wearing makeup and dressing nicely, yet forbids me from going outside without nice clothing and a gorgeous face (the whole natural beauty ordeal) which can only be achieved by doing makeup. With romantic relationships, she always check to see if I have a boyfriend or not. She sets up the standards for my future boyfriend, which is so high that I donít even think a man like that exists. But thatís my business. Was she so dissatisfied with her marriage with my dad that she wanted be to marry Jesusís Incarnation?

Finally, the biggest pain in my ass, is her attitude towards my mental health. Obviously, I have zero to no expectations for a person whoís nearly triple my age to understand what this generation has to deal with, and Iím kinda sick of hearing her talking about ďthe warĒ and hard things were back then. Thatís why I never get to visit a therapist and thus, has never been diagnosed with anything. I remember when I cut myself in tenth grade. My momís reaction was to beat me up, and ask me what people would think of her. Her. I remember bullshiting so many lies about my scars that year to anyone who asked. My mental health slowly deteriorated which now, at the age of 19, iím starting to have intrusive thoughts regularly, and I could barely control my emotions. I usually cry a lot at night when everyoneís asleep, sometimes for no reason.

I do love her as my mother. But I donít like her as a person.
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My Difficult Parent / Re: Welcome to our forum
« Last post by CindyC46 on June 27, 2019, 08:09:28 pm »
I HAD a horrible/narcissistic father who was physically and emotionally abusive.  As I grew up and became strong and independent he wrote me a letter saying he had no more love left for me in his heart.  I had competed in the Miss USA pageant and was on my way to finishing my degree in Architecture.  Not a bad kid by any stretch.  That was 25 years ago.  I'm 52 now, with 2 awesome kids that are his only grandchildren that he's never met.   Until I had my children did I then only realize the love you have for your child is limitless, you don't only have so much to give and then I realized I wasn't the problem, there wasn't anything wrong with me.  I saw a picture of him recently and see he is getting quite old.  I always had the desire to show up at his house and tell him what I think of him and what all he did to me but I know he wouldn't feel anything.  I feel like after all of this time I need closure on him/this and don't know how to do it without confronting him which could possibly hurt me more.  Even tho I'm 52, I pretty much look exactly like I did when I was young, same hair, same everything, and I saw him and his wife in a restaurant one day and he looked right at me when he walked by my table and it was if he looked right through me.  He didn't even know who I was.  I'm nothing to him.   I worry that he will die and I will still have all of these horrible feelings in me.  How do I put closure to him?
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My Difficult Parent / Re: Welcome to our forum
« Last post by clare low on June 10, 2019, 02:39:13 pm »
Hi and thanks for your message. I am so sorry to hear what a dreadful time of it you and your siblings have had. Well done for taking a stand and calling in the police. The best thing to do with physical abuse. It is much harder to manage emotional abuse though. You have done so well to cut the ties that bound you as a child and lead your own life and have your own family. The pain doesn't go away easily but you can be strong and have a successful life. Keep your distance from your mother and keep the love in your own family.
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My Difficult Parent / Re: Welcome to our forum
« Last post by clare low on June 10, 2019, 02:34:56 pm »
Hi Sarah and thanks for your question. I am sorry to hear that you have been having such a difficult time with both of your parents. Well done for getting some counselling for yourself and learning some new strategies to help manage your mother. It may be that her Facebook behaviour was a result of your being able to manage her differently as you suggest. In any case be strong and use the new skills you have to help keep her at a distance. She may try to rattle your cage but try not to react yourself. Take a deep breath and continue to live the life you want. Good luck, Alyson
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My Difficult Parent / Re: Welcome to our forum
« Last post by Lovelylove on June 10, 2019, 10:59:21 am »
Hi my names Sarah I have been struggling with a difficult relationship with my mum all of my life in the last year or so I had a pretty much complete breakdown in the relationships after she had behaved in a very uncaring way (itís a long story) but it was enough to question having any relationship with her. I have had a lot counselling or the past year and have come to pity her. Now after long a deep thought I know that I donít want to completely end the relationship with her and I am strong enough now to hold my ground and have coping strategies to deal with her behaviour but a couple months of go I discovered that she blocked me on Facebook. This was horrible because it reinforced that I wasnít  valued  for who I am. I have not confronted her about as I think these conversation with her are to no end as she often very cruel and unkind, in the past this has been extremely detrimental to my mental health. I do however want to continue having some kind of relationship with her but I find mum trying to cover up her tracks that she deleted me off Facebook, she keeps saying she doesnít go on it much and when sister posted stuff on there she say she was sent it. This is without me push the subject at all as I had decided to say nothing as didnít want to have an argument. I canít decided what to do now, I am find it hard to speak to her when I know I am actively being lied to.   What also strange is a couple of year ago my bad deleted me he got fed up for my political post but I very rarely post now and he didnít realise he could unfollow me anyway I talked to him about it. So in way I canít help but feel my mum doing this for some kind of a reaction. Your thoughts and advice would be appreciated
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