Author Topic: Is your horrid parent inconsistent?  (Read 463 times)

clare low

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Is your horrid parent inconsistent?
« on: January 10, 2018, 05:28:57 pm »
While some parents are horrid all the time, others are inconsistent and change from day to day and moment to moment. This means that you can be constantly on edge waiting to see what mood they are in and whether or not they are going to be unkind and critical to you.
Even though you get some respite from their horrid comments, you are forever on the look out for that change in their expression heralding another attack. It is exhausting.

steved

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Re: Is your horrid parent inconsistent?
« Reply #1 on: January 11, 2018, 06:06:56 pm »
Spot on Clare, i used to dread her coming home or myself returning home to see the expression on her face, sometimes open chatty almost pleasant but equally that fixed stare and one word answers to any questions I posed " Whats for tea mum?"  'Food'   "Whats the matter mum?"  'Nothing' and of course the prolonged silence inflicted to leave you wondering what exactly you had done wrong.

Jennifer

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Re: Is your horrid parent inconsistent?
« Reply #2 on: January 30, 2018, 03:11:26 pm »
Oh yes you never knew her mood thatís what made it difficult you would think sometimes oh yes she DOES love me then the next I was the devil incarnate , it plays with your mind doesnít it

steved

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Re: Is your horrid parent inconsistent?
« Reply #3 on: February 02, 2018, 04:48:15 pm »
True Jenny true, they appeared to relish in keeping us tense and anxious never knowing if we were in the dog house, always just waiting for them to turn.

Janel

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Re: Is your horrid parent inconsistent?
« Reply #4 on: May 15, 2018, 04:53:35 am »
I understand as my mum goes from one extreme to the other, in not speaking to me for months on end; or calling me everyday, it is exhausting

Sarah W

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Re: Is your horrid parent inconsistent?
« Reply #5 on: May 15, 2018, 06:45:35 am »
Hi guys, reading everyone of your posts reminds me of my mentally abusive vile mother.  Exhausting is right - wondering whether her horrible face after not seeing her all day is gonna be vicious or kind.  Since I was small she let others bully me.  To others she looks good but behind closed doors pretty much 90% of the time is horrible.  I dread seeing her

Sarah W

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Re: Is your horrid parent inconsistent?
« Reply #6 on: May 15, 2018, 06:55:08 am »
we really got bad luck in the mother department.  Iím 34 years old and things will never change.  They wonít change for any of us.  Ever.  What a horrible fate but we must stay strong

steved

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Re: Is your horrid parent inconsistent?
« Reply #7 on: May 15, 2018, 09:18:18 pm »
Sarah my mum kept on like that until she died aged 87.  she could change personas in minutes, of course she was all sweetness and light when other people were about like her " friends"  (only her friends so long as they pandered to her whims) . When I finally decided to introduce my girlfriend to her ( the girl I married) the first thing she said to her was " Oh hello, nice to meet you, steved use to speak ever so nicely til he met you" .

Saffy565

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Re: Is your horrid parent inconsistent?
« Reply #8 on: May 31, 2018, 11:29:23 pm »
Hi Sarah, I have just come onto this site, so I am not sure how to respond, other than to say, your experience is similar to mine.  My mother is currently dying aged 89 and I have had to deal with her house and propery as well as deal with her and the care home which has and is causing me major anxiety.

Hihi007

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Re: Is your horrid parent inconsistent?
« Reply #9 on: June 28, 2018, 03:36:31 am »
My mother is bipolar and severely depressed. I knew this when I was a child. She would come to me crying about adult situations and discussing these things with me. One day completely happy, the next few days she stays in her room crying. If there is something that she doesn't like to hear, she will completely give that person the silent treatment for days. But then all is good when she wants to have a fun chit chat again. Her disregard for the real world keeps her happy. But then when she needs to deal with real normal day-to-day problems she avoids it... I live with her. Its terrible. I know there is no solution. I need to get out of here before I go nuts. Inconsistent parent, YES.

MeToo

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Re: Is your horrid parent inconsistent?
« Reply #10 on: July 08, 2018, 02:41:53 am »
Hi, everyone!  So blessed to have found this site! Have a lot to share (and will do so) just at the moment feeling overwhelmed. Please, keep posting as I keep reading knowing that Iím not alone; as I draw strength that itís ok not to feel alone.

Sleepyscholar

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Re: Is your horrid parent inconsistent?
« Reply #11 on: July 15, 2018, 04:20:32 am »
I really appreciate this site, but I must confess, my parents were only moderately horrid. I'm here because I am 'The Good Parent', shamed by the blog entry of that name from April 19 last year. I have attempted, over the years, to protect my son from my wife's abuse (physical and verbal), and to offer him love and support. And I have failed.

I only realised that my wife was truly that abusive after my son was born. Previously, I had put her temper tantrums down to a combination of a robust personality, and my own failings. It's also possible that her behaviour was exacerbated by her post-natal depression. She excuses her behaviour with this and a variety of other things (the noise from the park opposite, my stony face when she launches into a torrent of abuse, our son's failure to achieve a glittering academic record etc) while accepting no excuses for him, me, or anyone else. And I concede, there are no excuses for me. People I have spoken to about this have found it relatively simple: 'Leave her!' they say. Yes, maybe. But when you are actually responsible for your child's welfare it's harder to take risks with their life. If she disputed custody she would probably win (she is a Japanese mother, in Japan), unless I presented copious evidence of her abuse, which might well tip her into extreme violence (she has attempted suicide twice, and been violent in other ways). I could kidnap my son and take him to Britain, to live in poverty, unable to return to see his friends, relatives and the country he grew up in. Or I could take the advice of the local Child Welfare office: 'If it gets too bad,' they said, 'Call the police' ('Oh, and if you do so your son will probably be taken into care').

I always backed up my son, defended him against her attacks, and showed him that at least someone was on his side. The consequence of this was that my wife and I had flaming rows (even when I didn't participate, she would manage to keep the argument going for both of us), and she became even more violent and depressed. She accused us of conspiring against her.

I can see the harm she has done to my son. Even she has seen the harm she has done to our son, and in the last year or so her behaviour has mellowed. But we still walk on eggshells, there are still eruptions of ('I want them all to die!') violence and we cannot talk about any of this, because at the first delicate mention, she loses her temper.

And she is, as the title of the thread says, inconsistent. Sometimes she can be very loving. She likes to show how much she loves our son by spending money (she doesn't have a job, so this is money I earned). But when he fails in some respect afterwards, she will then blame him for the money she has spent.

As you correctly point out, the 'kind' parent is an adult, and so while the child of a horrid parent cannot fairly be blamed for anything done to them, the parent who fails to stop it can. But I would like to point out that, just as the scars of a horrid parent linger into adult life -- as the testimonies on this site attest -- there are also scars from failing to protect a child, because the 'correct' course of action is by no means as clear as some people think.

Finally, I would also like to offer my love and support, as a parent who has seen this up close, to all those who post their experiences here. You are listened to. You are respected. You are loved.

Reneygade

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Re: Is your horrid parent inconsistent?
« Reply #12 on: October 05, 2018, 01:32:50 pm »
Do I seriously have to buy a spot for Something to say?  In a FORUM?  Omg if it weren't.  For a wicked **** I used to call MOM, I didn't even BE HERE IN THE FIRST PLACE!
GOD HELP ME

Reneygade

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Re: Is your horrid parent inconsistent?
« Reply #13 on: October 05, 2018, 03:08:36 pm »
I always backed up my son, defended him against her attacks, and showed him that at least someone was on his side. The consequence of this was that my wife and I had flaming rows (even when I didn't participate, she would manage to keep the argument going for both of us), and she became even more violent and depressed. She accused us of conspiring against her.




Darn it.  Although you might be the good guy now, I don't think you or your son will benefit down the line. That's your wife and I think it's important for you to stand up FOR HER. I'm wondering if perhaps maybe your good intention of defending your son is actually fueling a fire of rage within your wife. Most, not all but most kids I've ever known don't have a problem defending themselves anyway. I know how it feels being the odd person out, so to speak. My ex husband opposed me ON ANYTHNG. Lol- you name it.
And I knew it wasn't good parenting for dad to idly stand by while mother was being cussed out by an out of hand teenager. That teen is now an adult and has been trying to deal with a lot of shame and regret, for years. I guess the biblical cliche tends to ring true- spare the rod spoil the child. You're a loving dad, I know. This is just my opinion... so it doesn't have to matter to you.  Either way I bid you well though. Hopefully everything will work out okay.  Good luck to you


Sleepyscholar

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Re: Is your horrid parent inconsistent?
« Reply #14 on: October 06, 2018, 12:18:22 am »
That's your wife and I think it's important for you to stand up FOR HER. I'm wondering if perhaps maybe your good intention of defending your son is actually fueling a fire of rage within your wife.

You're probably right, though you seem to be making the assumption that I don't stand up for my wife on anything ('stand up FOR HER' should include threatening my son with kitchen knives too, when I find her doing it?). But yes, you're right about fuelling a fire of rage.

My son has now been mostly off school for the last few weeks. He can't get up in the morning and has been diagnosed with orthostatic hypotension (with complications including nausea). I'm unclear as to whether this would not have happened if I had just backed up my wife on all her murderous impulses. Interestingly, until today she has been extremely kind and solicitous towards him during this period. Today she found he forgot to take his medicine last night, and is too ill to go to school this morning, so the bile returned.