Author Topic: Is your horrid parent inconsistent?  (Read 3264 times)

Sleepyscholar

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Re: Is your horrid parent inconsistent?
« on: July 15, 2018, 04:20:32 am »
I really appreciate this site, but I must confess, my parents were only moderately horrid. I'm here because I am 'The Good Parent', shamed by the blog entry of that name from April 19 last year. I have attempted, over the years, to protect my son from my wife's abuse (physical and verbal), and to offer him love and support. And I have failed.

I only realised that my wife was truly that abusive after my son was born. Previously, I had put her temper tantrums down to a combination of a robust personality, and my own failings. It's also possible that her behaviour was exacerbated by her post-natal depression. She excuses her behaviour with this and a variety of other things (the noise from the park opposite, my stony face when she launches into a torrent of abuse, our son's failure to achieve a glittering academic record etc) while accepting no excuses for him, me, or anyone else. And I concede, there are no excuses for me. People I have spoken to about this have found it relatively simple: 'Leave her!' they say. Yes, maybe. But when you are actually responsible for your child's welfare it's harder to take risks with their life. If she disputed custody she would probably win (she is a Japanese mother, in Japan), unless I presented copious evidence of her abuse, which might well tip her into extreme violence (she has attempted suicide twice, and been violent in other ways). I could kidnap my son and take him to Britain, to live in poverty, unable to return to see his friends, relatives and the country he grew up in. Or I could take the advice of the local Child Welfare office: 'If it gets too bad,' they said, 'Call the police' ('Oh, and if you do so your son will probably be taken into care').

I always backed up my son, defended him against her attacks, and showed him that at least someone was on his side. The consequence of this was that my wife and I had flaming rows (even when I didn't participate, she would manage to keep the argument going for both of us), and she became even more violent and depressed. She accused us of conspiring against her.

I can see the harm she has done to my son. Even she has seen the harm she has done to our son, and in the last year or so her behaviour has mellowed. But we still walk on eggshells, there are still eruptions of ('I want them all to die!') violence and we cannot talk about any of this, because at the first delicate mention, she loses her temper.

And she is, as the title of the thread says, inconsistent. Sometimes she can be very loving. She likes to show how much she loves our son by spending money (she doesn't have a job, so this is money I earned). But when he fails in some respect afterwards, she will then blame him for the money she has spent.

As you correctly point out, the 'kind' parent is an adult, and so while the child of a horrid parent cannot fairly be blamed for anything done to them, the parent who fails to stop it can. But I would like to point out that, just as the scars of a horrid parent linger into adult life -- as the testimonies on this site attest -- there are also scars from failing to protect a child, because the 'correct' course of action is by no means as clear as some people think.

Finally, I would also like to offer my love and support, as a parent who has seen this up close, to all those who post their experiences here. You are listened to. You are respected. You are loved.