My Horrid Parent

Guys, friends and fellow victims, This forum may not be teeming with replies, but i want to reassure you all, YOU ARE NOT ALONE in the first instance, and in the second instance 99.99% of the time it is NOT YOUR FAULT.  It appears there are quite simply a lot of parents with cold hearts and vicious streaks who appear to hate their children for no reason what so ever.   Again my bothers and sisters YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

Yes, my mother is very inconsistent. Sorry for my very long story but here it goes. It all started when I was little. I went to a Catholic private school. The kids there picked on me with no regret. I was overweight a little and that's what they picked on me about. It all started in the 2nd year of 2nd grade. It was almost torture going to school every day. But the misery did not stop when I came home. My mom is very skinny and loathes and despises overweight people. I look like my dad and his family, who are very overweight. So in turn, she can't stand them for being overweight. So anyway, when I came home everyday my mom would also put me down about my weight even though I would tell her about my day at school. She would say things about my eating or what I was wearing. This continued through the rest of primary school, middle school, and even high school. High school was great because I did not get made fun of at school anymore. But it was so much worse at home. My mom would put me down and tell me that I could not eat certain things because she did not like them. For example, I love Chinese food and since she thinks it is gross, she tells me that I am not allowed to eat it. There were days that were OK but most days I had to walk on eggshells around her because I did not know how to react. I did not like eating around her because I was afraid that I was going to get put down. So, it was either not eat until she went to bed or sneak food into my room when she wasn't looking. Then, I went to college. That was the best years of m life because I was away from my mom. She wasn't around telling me what I can and can't do. In my last semester of college, I found out that I was pregnant with my daughter. I was excited but it set my mom off. She was so mad that she called me all of these names such as ****. She also wanted me to give her up for adoption because she thought that I couldn't take care of my child. When I graduated college, I could not find a job right away. That is another thing that set my mom off. My mom only believes that the only thing in life is to work and pay bills. So naturally, that is all she cares about. I want to be with the father of my child but he is in prison. Another thing that sets my mom off. Alot of things set my mom off. We get into many fights about my life and what I want to do with it. I can't wait until I finally get to move out. I do not think I will talk to my mom for a long time when I finally do move out of this hell house. My mom claims that she wants to go to Disney World to get some peace and quiet. Who goes to Disney for peace and quiet? I think that she wants to go alone because she wants to get away from me. She and my dad have told me that they wished that they could go back into time and not have kids. My mom was also told me that she would be long gone if it wasn't for my brother. My 17 year old brother who is the angel child. Never does anything wrong. My mom has called me a **** for having sex with different men in my lifetime. She has called my child "the bastard child of a prisoner". My mom and dad have even gone so far that they would call an attorney to see how they can kick me out and if I left with MY child, that they would call CPS on me to have her taken away. Like really?! I have even caught my parents "accidentally" calling themselves mommy and daddy to MY child when they are the grandparents. As you call tell, my parents are really horrid parents.

While some parents are horrid all the time, others are inconsistent and change from day to day and moment to moment. This means that you can be constantly on edge waiting to see what mood they are in and whether or not they are going to be unkind and critical to you.
Even though you get some respite from their horrid comments, you are forever on the look out for that change in their expression heralding another attack. It is exhausting.

This hits home for me. My mother got pregnant with me out of wedlock in a period of history where such things were just not done. She was a college student living in a women’s dorm on a college campus just as women’s rights were just beginning to be a thing that existed and experiencing a taste of greater freedom when she discovered she was pregnant. As soon as she told her parents they picked her up from the school, took away the car they’d provided her for school, and demanded a quickie almost literal shotgun wedding. I became the thing that took away her new freedoms, her car, and her dreams of a career leaving her stuck on a broken down old farm in the middle of nowhere with me all day every day.

My mother was incredibly inconsistent with her parenting to the point my core memory of my childhood is of a sinking fearful feeling of walking on eggshells. There was no knowing what would set her off. Things that had been specifically permitted, even encourage one moment could become horrific, screaming, how could you ever think that would ever be ok the next.

Eventually I realized to some degree it was just that she would permit things because she didn’t want to be bothered, then be upset when me doing them became a problem for her. Yet that didn’t explain all of it. Many times I was just a convenient punching bag to take out her frustrations on.

Abortion rights was a hot topic frequently on the news throughout my younger years as Roe V Wade was decided while I was in grade school. My mother was an ardent supporter. She rarely missed an opportunity to tell me she believed abortion should be cheap and easily available so young women wouldn’t have to ruin their whole lives with one mistake. It was always clear I was the mistake.