Author Topic: Guilt  (Read 780 times)

clare low

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Guilt
« on: April 17, 2017, 10:09:00 am »
Do you feel guilty when you cut ties from your horrid parent? How do you keep communicating with your kinder parent?

Pootles

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Re: Guilt
« Reply #1 on: April 17, 2017, 12:08:38 pm »
I've totally been through this and come out the other side.

My Dad has Narcisstic Personality Disorder (amongst other things!) and is controlling and abusive.

I tried to minimise contact and confronted him about his manipulation a few years before cutting all ties - and as a result got several years of abusive letters for birthdays and Christmasses. I tried to maintain contact with my Mum by sending her cards etc but he either withheld them or used them as a way to torture my Mum - he left a phone message with my Mum in tears because I hadn't sent him a birthday card and I'd sent her a Mothers Day card.

I cut contact 11 years ago. It was the best thing I could do - I knew it was the best thing for me as I'd had several mental health episodes as a result. I suddenly realised I was ALLOWING him to torture me.

It was hard - I felt very guilty for a long time. But I reminded myself why I was doing it.  I was also standing up and saying that my Dads behaviour was not ok.

All family holidays were hard. Especially Mothers Day etc. My relationship with my sisters was incredibly difficult.

But I knew I was doing the right thing for me.

I also worked behind the scenes to try to help my Mum. I sent all the abusive letters to my Mums doctor and social services got involved.

Fast forward 11 years. My Mum was finally sectioned (she had been setting fire to the house, Dad had been locking her in, they had both been banned from the church due to their behaviour)

My Mum was in hospital for 6 months. Luckily she reached out to my sister. Otherwise we would have never known what had happened as to this day Dad has not discussed it with any of us

Mum is finally on the right treatment. The unit saw Dads behaviour first hand and banned him from visiting.

She has now left him and is in an independant flat

I can't tell you how difficult it has been.

Six months on from her release. I am now in daily contact with my Mum. My sisters are still not in regular contact.

Mum is in a care assisted home. She wants no contact with my Dad. He is still trying to harass her.

Police and domestic violence advocates are on the case.

I am so glad I got her out. I never thought I would. We have a long long way to go but it is definately helping me to heal. Mum is only just starting on that journey.

So - there is light at the end of the tunnel.

But always remember. You are important too. You have a choice. Do you let them ruin your life and your self esteem.

One thing I was told - you are not responsible for your parents happiness!! It was a eureka moment for me.



Caroline Mills

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Re: Guilt
« Reply #2 on: April 17, 2017, 05:56:51 pm »
My father was the gentle parent, he died when I was 15. My mother told me it was my fault he died because he had worked himself to death to spoil me. I'm still amazed that anyone could say that to a child who had just lost her father. After he died we found out he was having an affair, not surprising as my mother treated him the same way as me, always nagging, always criticising. I always wondered how life might have panned out if he hadn't died...would he have left and taken me with him?

I didn't have to leave home. As soon as I started work, my mother sold the house and moved to the coast. I was working in London so I had to find a bedsit, but at least it meant I got away.

I have no guilt at all, she was a total ****. I have no family of my own, I couldn't take the chance that I would turn out like her, and I had no other example to follow.

My mother died at 95, still sniping at me.

Astra Argent

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My Horrid Aunt
« Reply #3 on: November 27, 2017, 03:22:58 pm »
I had a Horrid Mother and my father was emotionally absent from both the marriage and his relationship with me, but following their deaths, my healing is now being challenged by a Horrid Aunt.

She's my father's only surviving sister-in-law and has always been difficult to deal with.  Neither of my parents could stand her.  She can twist whatever you say to her and lives in her own world where her own rules apply.  She can use an ordinary conversation to attack you, your beliefs, how you live your life, etc.  She is superior, condescending and thinks she knows everything about everything.

I asked for some more social contact and support last year (we've never been close and she's never encouraged me to call on or contact her) and after a family pow-wow and in which I was not allowed to take part, she told me it had been decided none of them wanted to be involved with me and told me to find myself a support worker.  I was upset, but wasn't surprised by the decision.  I presumed that would be that and I'd never have to worry about her again.  How wrong I was.  A couple of times since we've passed on the street and she's spoken to me as if everything's normal.  That I cannot understand or cope with.  The first time she said "Just because we're not interested in you doesn't mean we can't speak."  That floored me.

Unfortunately, moving away isn't an option, so I need to be able to cope with the possibility of coming across her in the street.  The last time that happened, she passed comment on the weather as if we had a normal relationship and it hit me for six.  My cousins are very much on her side.

I'm very lucky to have friends who care, but the possibility of seeing her upsets me.  How do I cope with this?

clare low

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Re: Guilt
« Reply #4 on: November 30, 2017, 01:37:34 pm »
Hi Astra,

Thank you so much for your story. It is so impressive that following the deaths of your parents you have been able to start to heal and make progress in becoming yourself. It is so sad to read that your horrid aunt is starting to undermine you with this behaviour. She does sound like she fits the mould of a difficult person by having a family pow-wow and excluding you. Such controlling behaviour towards another adult is not acceptable. Neither is persuading your cousins to fall in with her wishes. It is also unfortunate that you do not have the option of moving away so you will continue to encounter them in the street.

Our advice would be that you have little option but to accept this to be the case. Try and keep those encounters in the street and avoid any more personal involvement. So anticipate that you may bump into one of them and be prepared to pass them with a brief but neutral comment such as you may give the postman or other local person. So perhaps simply say 'hello, wet day isn't it?' and pass by. If you take the initiative with this it may reduce your horror and astonishment at her lack of feeling towards you.

Continue to focus on your group of friends as they will be able to give you far more support, affection and friendship than your local family by the sound of it. Hang on to your dreams!

Good luck,

Alyson




Jockess

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Re: Guilt
« Reply #5 on: January 29, 2018, 09:55:10 am »
I have just recently had a bust up with my parents. I am 42 and I can take it no longer. My father and mother live 500 miles away and weíre here visiting. Long story short they walked out and went back to their  hotel. They wonít stay with us due to young children, they canít stand the noise, chat or anything else that young children do. They are heavy drinkers and can not cope with a hangover and a 5 year old! I feel awful at the moment, like an ungrateful teenager. They have mentally abused me for years. I am happily married, just recently moved and none of it is good enough for them. I am constantly seeking approval & I want to stop. I am not speaking to them after yesterday and I feel an incredible amount of relief. This makes me also feel guilty. I cannot remember the last time they paid me a compliment or made me happy.
Finding this website has given me hope and shown me that itís not ok to take whatever your parents throw at you because of the simple fact they are your parents: I have brother and they are ultra mean to him too but heís better at giving it back to them than I am.

Jennifer

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Re: Guilt
« Reply #6 on: January 30, 2018, 03:24:22 pm »
Hi jockess I totally understand where your coming from, itís good by the sound of it that you do 500 mls away , I am a little older than you but when I was married my mother still had a go at me ,I was in my late thirties. She wanted all the attention she told me when I was getting married in fact on my wedding day to remember that she still came first not my husband talk about making my day special. My mother used to come for tea every Wednesday no matter whether I had something on or not , she brought two horrible snappy dogs who would growl if the kids went near them and she would make such a fuss of the dogs and ignore the child that was crying over it .I canít give you advice I only know that I would estrange myself from them, I never got  the opportunity or so I thought but looking back I could have shut the door on them there would be nothing they could have done and my life would have been so much sweeter good luck with what you decide, I think in my day it wasnít so easy to break away but you are halfway there living so far away, our parents sometimes  need to learn that we too as their children need respect too

clare low

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Re: Guilt
« Reply #7 on: January 31, 2018, 10:15:11 pm »
Hi Jockess I am so glad that you have found the website and do hope that you also find it helpful and supportive. It is tough when you have a bust up with your parents and totally understandable that you have mixed feelings of both relief and guilt. I do hope that you find the strength and encouragement to protect yourself and your family from any unkindness from your parents. It is terrific that you are happily married with your own children and live away from your parents. You will find other healthy sources of approval.

Onwards and upwards!

Good luck - Alyson

Lana

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Re: Guilt
« Reply #8 on: December 02, 2018, 08:08:19 pm »
No guilt.  Tried for over 5 decades to "reach her". I was literally drowning in her toxicity and chose to walk away.  And I knew that I would be ostracized by everyone, which is exactly what happened.  Onward and upward. 

steved

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Re: Guilt
« Reply #9 on: January 19, 2019, 06:51:06 pm »
Lana and Jockess you must understand that it is NOT your fault that your parents are rotten or malicious, and equally know you are not isolated cases there are loads and loads of us who have been hurt and betrayed by the very people who were supposed to nurture and protect us.

Freefromitall

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Re: Guilt
« Reply #10 on: August 20, 2019, 02:13:34 pm »
 Guilt is what keeps me from living my daily life to the fullest. I am no contact right now from a mother who has borderline personality disorder and a passive father. My health is being affected by this and my brain tells me not to feel guilty but my insides are a mess. I know thereís no way to fix this situation as she is not going to change. And I have tried different strategies it donít seem to work. Talking about this with her will just spiral into a big mess. It will be all my fault. Iíve never been able to talk to her about my feelings about her which has made me very bitter over the years. Beyond frustrated and exhausted